The World According to Steven Wright
* I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.
* Last week, I went to a furniture store to look for a decaffeinated coffee table. They couldn't help me.
* What's another word for "thesaurus"?
* When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask if I'm leaving.
* When I was a kid, we had a quicksand box in the backyard. I was an only child . . . eventually.
* I bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again.
* For my birthday I got a humidifier and a dehumidifier. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
* I have a switch in my apartment that doesn't do anything. Every once in a while I turn it on and off. One day I got a call from a guy in France who said, "Cut it out!"
* I replaced the headlights on my car with strobe lights. Now it looks like I'm the only one moving.
* I wrote a song, but I can't read music. Every time I hear a new song on the radio, I think "Hey, maybe I wrote that."
* I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I get pulled over the cop looks at it (moving it nearer and farther, trying to see it clearly)... and says, "Here, you can go."
* I went to a general store, but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.
* I turned my air conditioner the other way around, and it got cold out. The weatherman said, "I don't understand it. It was supposed to be 80 degrees out today." I said "Oops . . ."
* I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.
* I spilled Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
* My neighbor has a circular driveway. He can't get out.
* I bought some powdered water, but I didn't know what to add.
* I put instant coffee in a microwave and almost went back in time.
* I have an answering machine in my car. It says, "I'm home now, but leave a message and I'll call when I'm out."
* I bought a house on a one-way dead-end road. I don't know how I got there.
* I have a hobby. I have the world's largest collection of sea shells. I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you've seen some of it.
* I Xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine.
* Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle.
* My school colors were clear.
* I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wakeup letter.
* I'm taking La maze classes. I'm not having a baby, I'm just having trouble breathing.
* When I was in high school, I got in trouble with my girlfriend's Dad. He said, "I want my daughter back by 8:15." I said, "The middle of August? Cool!"
* My girlfriend's weird. One day she asked me, "If you could know how and when you were going to die, would you want to know?" I said, "No." She said, "Okay, forget it."
* I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, "The whole time."
* My buddy got busted for counterfeiting. He was making pennies. They caught him because he was putting the heads and tails on the wrong sides.
* He's in a minimum security prison now; he's on a whiffle-ball and chain.
* Hermits have no peer pressure.
* Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories .
* There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
* How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn't live there?
* Did Washington just flash a quarter for his ID?
* I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious.
* Imagine if birds were tickled by feathers.
* I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing "Happy Birthday".
* I accidentally installed the deer whistles on my car backwards. Now everywhere I go, I'm chased by a herd of deer.
* I got stopped by a cop the other day. He said, "Why'd you run that stop sign?" I said, "Because I don't believe everything I read."
* It doesn't matter what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.
* Yesterday, my eyeglass prescription ran out.
* I'm a peripheral visionary.
* I make my own water - two glasses of H, one glass of O.
* Ballerinas are always on their toes. Why don't they just get taller ballerinas?
* The other day, I went to a tourist information booth and asked, "Tell me about some of the people who were here last year."
* Why in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?
Topic: The World According to Steven Wright (Read 735 times)