Topic: I say, I say, I say

[Serenity]

I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it.  I thought, 'That's Aboriginal.'


Told my girlfriend I had  a job in a bowling alley. She said  'Tenpin?' I said, 'No, permanent.'


I  went in to a pet shop. I said, 'Can I  buy a goldfish?' The guy said, 'Do you want an aquarium?'  I  said, 'I don't care what star sign it is.'


I  went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said  'Analogue.' I said 'No, just a watch.


I  went into a shop and I said, 'Can someone sell me a  kettle.' The bloke said 'Kenwood' I said,  'Where is he  then?'


I  met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.


I  was reading this book today, The History of Glue. I couldn't put  it down.


I  phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who  answered just went on and on.


The recruitment  consultant asked me 'What do you think of  voluntary work? I said 'I wouldn't do it if you paid  me.'


This policeman came up  to me with a  pencil and a piece of  very thin paper.  He said, 'I want you to trace someone for  me.'


I  phoned the local builders today; I said to them 'Can I have  a skip outside my house?' He said, 'I'm not
stopping  you!'


I  fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the  bull goes first' He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo' He said  'You're closest'


I  was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he  told me I'd been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me  again to say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then  made me managing director and I went right off into a  tree. The police came and asked me what had happened. I said 'I careered off the  road'


I  was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on  the shoulders of a couple of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on two  counts.*


I  bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said  'Eurostar' I said 'Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean  Martin.*


I  phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how  to do the splits. He said, 'How flexible are you?' I said, 'I can't  make Tuesdays or Thursdays.'*


I  went to the local video shop and I said, 'Can I take out  The Elephant Man?' He said, 'He's not your type.' I said  'Can I borrow Batman Forever?' He said, 'No, you'll have  to bring it back tomorrow'*


A  waiter asks a man, 'May I take your order, sir?'  'Yes,' the man replies. 'I'm just wondering, exactly  how do you prepare your chickens?' 'Nothing  special, sir. We just  tell them straight out that they're going to die.'*


 

[Clive]

 

[Serenity]

Awwww come on Clive, shirley this one didn't belong in the groaner thread   

[Clive]

I don't think I have ever groaned so loud in all my born days!   

[Simon]

Double   

[Serenity]

Double   

Philistines!