Topic: Quotes (old but good)

[Clive]

I didn't speak for the first four years of my marriageI didn't like to interrupt.
 
Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself,
'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.'
- Lillian Carter (mother of  Jimmy Carter)
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I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog:

- 'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.'

- Eleanor Roosevelt
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Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.

-  Mark Twain


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The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.

-  George Burns

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Santa Claus has the right idea.  Visit people only once a year.

- Victor Borge

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Be careful about reading health books.  You may die of a misprint.

- Mark Twain

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By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one,
you'll become a philosopher.

- Socrates

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I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. 

- Groucho Marx

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My wife has a slight impediment in her speech.  Every now and then she stops to breathe.

-  Jimmy Durante

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I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.

- Zsa Zsa Gabor

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Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.

- Alex Levine

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My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.

- Rodney Dangerfield

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Money can't buy you happiness .. But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery...

- Spike Milligan

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Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP.

- Joe Namath

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I don't feel old.  I don't feel anything until noon... Then it's time for my nap.

- Bob Hope

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I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

- W. C. Fields

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We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.

- Will Rogers

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Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.

- Winston Churchill

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Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty .. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.

- Phyllis Diller

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By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.

-  Billy Crystal


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And the cardiologist's diet: - If it tastes good spit it out.
 
 
 
 

[Rik]

Some real wit there, Clive. 

[Simon]

[mistybear]

Love them Clive. 

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.

- Alex Levine

Perfect, but for those on a diet, there's always a hot toddy, or two, three, four..........