“A dog is for life, not just for Christmas. So be careful at the office Christmas party.”
Jimmy Carr
“The one thing women don’t want to find in their stockings on Christmas morning is their husband.”
Joan Rivers
“If your pudding is loaded with coins and thimbles then be sure to tell your guests. One year I forgot to mention it and our Vera ended up in casualty. They found a watch, two holy medals and £2.10s.6d in used change in her stomach.”
Lily Savage
“I once bought my kids batteries for Christmas with a note saying, toys not included.”
Bernard Manning
“I was so poor growing up, if I hadn’t been a boy I’d have had nothing to play with on Christmas Day.”
Rodney Dangerfield
“If God had meant Christmas to be a family occasion He wouldn’t have invented TV, would He?”
Rory McGrath
“Do you do this with Christmas tree lights? You have a string of them and one bulb is dead and you flick the bulb with your finger to get it to light up? They do the same thing with George Bush before a debate.”
Jay Leno
“I saw a guy driving down Hollywood Boulevard with a tree on his bumper and I said: ‘Getting ready for Christmas?’ He said: ‘No, teaching the wife how to drive.’”
Bob Hope
“The Three Wise Men sound very generous, but you’ve got to remember those gifts were joint Christmas and birthday presents.”
Jimmy Carr
“The wife of a man who never learned the difference between a brassiere and a brazier was granted a divorce today on two counts. First because when she wanted underwear for Christmas he gave her two big rusty tins with holes in and second because of the way he kept trying to roast his chestnuts.”
Ronnie Barker
“We couldn’t afford a turkey for Christmas. We gave the budgie chest expanders.”
Les Dawson
“My sister got a set of perfumes called Ample. It was tiny. Even I could see where dad scraped off the S...”
Stephen K Amos
“At the office party you’re supposed to sit naked on top of the photocopier, not the shredder.”
David Letterman
“We’re approaching the moment when Grandad’s had too much to drink. We don’t call him Grandad, we call him Alcopops.”
Jimmy Carr
“Roses are reddish, violets are bluish, if it wasn’t for Christmas, we’d all be Jewish.”
Benny Hill
“Christmas is a time for remembering. So that’s me f***ed.”
Ozzy Osbourne
Topic: Christmas Jokes (Read 4668 times)