I read in the paper the other day how a clairvoyant midget escaped from prison.
The headline said 'Small Medium at Large'.
I staggered out of the pub and down the street, until I was stopped by a policeman.
He said, "Where do you think you're going in that state?"
I replied, "I'm going to a lecture."
He said, "Yeah, right. Who gives a lecture at this time of night?"
"My wife," I said.
A customer is ordering food in an Indian restaurant.
"Waiter, what's this Chicken Tarka?"
The waiter replies, "it's the same as Chicken Tikka, but it's a little 'Otter."
With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, its worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week. Larry Laprise, the man who wrote 'The Hokey Kokey", died peacefully at the age of 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him in the coffin. They put his left leg in, then the trouble started...
Middle aged wife walks into the living room naked.
Husband says, "Why are you naked?"
She replies "This is my love dress."
Then the husband replies, "Well go and iron it."
I went to a dyslexic rave last night.
Everyone was taking F's and a bloke in the corner was trying to inject a Heron.
A blonde began a job as an elementary school counsellor, and she was eager to help. One day during recess she noticed a boy standing by himself on the side of a playing field while the rest of the kids enjoyed a game of football at the other. Sandy approached and asked if he was alright.
The boy said he was. A little while later, however, Sandy noticed the boy was in the same spot, still by himself.
Approaching again, Sandy said, "Would you like me to be your friend?" The boy hesitated, then said, "Okay", looking at the woman suspiciously. Feeling she was making progress, Sandy then asked, "Why are you standing here alone?"
"Because," the little boy said with great exasperation, "I'm the f***ing goalie."
A lorry carrying copies of Roget's Thesaurus crashed on the M1 yesterday, shedding it's load across the carriageway.
Onlookers are said to be stunned, bewildered, dumbfounded, astonished, shocked, flabbergasted, startled, speechless and amazed.
Time saving gardening tip:
If you water your grass with beer, it will come up half cut!
Two old men sitting in a retirement home chatting, "I'm full of aches and pains today Alf." "How do you feel?" Alf replies "Like a new born baby Fred" "Really?" Says Fred, "A newborn baby?" "Yes" says Alf, "No hair, no teeth, and I've just shat myself!"
My wife had been complaining that she was sick, so we went to the Doctor's. After careful examination the Doctor called us both into his office.
"Well," said the Doctor, "I'm afraid to tell you, Mr. Jones, that your wife has leprosy."
Upon hearing this my wife burst into tears.
So I said, "C'mon dear, there's no need to fall apart."
Topic: Quickies (Guaranteed to offend... someone!) (Read 585 times)