SENIOR DRIVING
As a senior citizen was driving down the motorway,
his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him,
"Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on the M4
. Please be careful!"
"Heck," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"
_______________________________________
DRIVING
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car -
both could barely see over the dashboard.
As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection.
The stoplight was red, but they just went on through.
The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it.
I could have sworn we just went through a red light."
After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again.
Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that
the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it.
She was getting nervous. At the next intersection, sure enough,
the light was red and they went on through.
So, she turned to the other woman and said,
"Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row?
You could have killed us both!"
Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh, crap, am I driving?"
Secret to Long Life
A doctor on his morning walk, noticed an older lady sitting on her front step smoking a cigar,
so he walked up to her and said, "I couldn't help but notice how happy you look! What is your secret?"
"I smoke ten cigars a day," she said. "Before I go to bed, I smoke a nice big joint.
Apart from that, I drink a whole bottle of Jack Daniels every week, and eat only junk food.
On weekends, I pop pills, get laid, and don't exercise at all."
"That is absolutely amazing! How old are you?"
"Thirty-four," she replied...
Bob works hard at the office but spends two nights each week bowling, and plays golf every Saturday.
His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.
The doorman at the club greets them and says, 'Hey, Bob! How ya doin?'
His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
'Oh no,' says Bob. 'He's in my bowling league.
When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.
His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, 'How did she know that you drink Budweiser?'
'I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club.
I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey.'
A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob, starts to rub herself all over him and says,
'Hi Bobby. Want your usual table dance, big boy?'
Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.
Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab.
Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.
Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it .
She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book.
The cabby turns around and says,
'Geez Bob, you picked up a real bitch this time.'
BOB's funeral will be on Friday.
Topic: Joke selection (Read 412 times)