A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the motorway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but... something happened....
I'm trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your penis was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it". The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got £9000 in insurance compensation coming and we have the technology now to build you a new one that will work just as well as your old one did - better in fact! But the thing is it doesn't come cheap. It's going to cost £1000 an inch".
The man perks up at this.... "So", the doctor says, "It's for you to decide how many inches you want but it's something I recommend you discuss with your wife. I mean if you had a five inch one before and you decide to go for a nine incher, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before and you decide to invest in just a five incher this time, she might be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision".
The man agrees to talk with his wife and the doctor returns next day. "So", have you spoken with your wife?"
"I have", says the man.
"And has she helped you come to a decision?"
"Yes, she has", says the man.
"And what is it?" asks the doctor.
"We're getting granite worktops in the kitchen"