This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular workout
routine
Dear Diary,
For my birthday this year, I purchased a week of personal training at the
local health club. Although I am still in great shape since being a high school
football cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead
and give it a try.
I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named
Christo, who identified himself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model
for athletic clothing and swim wear.
Friends seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged
me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
________________________________
MONDAY:
Started my day at 6:00 am. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well
worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Christo waiting for me. He
is something of a Greek god-- with blond hair, dancing eyes, and a dazzling
white smile. Woo Hoo!!
> Christo gave me a tour and showed me the machines.. I enjoyed watching the
skillful way in which he conducted his aerobics class after my workout today.
Very inspiring!
>
> Christo was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already
aching from holding it in the whole time he was around.
>
> This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
> ________________________________
> TUESDAY:
> I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.. Christo
made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then he put
weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the
full mile. His rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT! It's a
whole new life for me.
> _______________________________
> WEDNESDAY:
> The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter
and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both
pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on
top of a GEO in the club parking lot.
> Christo was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club
members. His voice is a little too perky for that early in the morning and when
he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.
> My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Christo put me on the stair
monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity
rendered obsolete by elevators? Christo told me it would help me get in shape
and enjoy life. He said some other s**t too.
> _______________________________
> THURSDAY:
> a*****e was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his thin,
cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an
hour late-- it took me that long to tie my shoes.
> He took me to work out with dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran and hid
in the restroom. He sent some skinny bitch to find me.
> Then, as punishment, he put me on the rowing machine-- which I sank.
> _________________________________
> FRIDAY:
> I hate that b*****d Christo more than any human being has ever hated any other
human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic,
little aerobic instructor. If there was a part of my body I could move without
unbearable pain, I would beat him with it.
> Christo wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you
don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the damn barbells or anything that
weighs more than a sandwich.
> The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why
couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir
director?
> ________________________________
> SATURDAY:
> Satan left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly voice
wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing his voice made me want to
smash the machine with my planner; however, I lacked the strength to even use
the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather
Channel..
> ________________________________
> SUNDAY:
> I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank
GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my husband will
choose a gift for me that is fun-- like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still
say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with
diamonds!!!
Topic: A WOMAN'S WEEK AT THE GYM (Read 469 times)