Topic: All About Beer

[Rodders]

DOE RE MI BEER,  by Homer J. Simpson.   

DOUGH... the stuff that buys me beer...
RAY..... the guy that sells me beer...
ME...... the guy who drinks the beer,
FAR..... the distance to my beer
SO...... I think I'll have a beer...
LA...... La la la la la la beer
TEA..... no thanks, I'm drinking beer... 
That will bring us back to...
(Looks into an empty glass) D'OH!

"I'm going to buy a boat... do a little travelling, and I'm going to be drinking beer!" ~ John Welsh, Brooklyn bus driver who won $30 million in the New York lottery

"A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her." ~ W.C. Fields

"You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on." ~ Dean Martin

"What can the Brits tell us Czechs about the quality of beer? It's as if we Czechs went to France and told them how to make champagne." ~ Jan Vesely, chairman of the Czech Brewing and Malthouse Association, after CAMRA called to question the quality of some Czech beers

"Beer... More than just a breakfast drink." ~ Whitstran Brewery sign

"The misconception is you need to learn how to taste. It's more a sense of recognition than a sense of taste." ~ Jerald O'Kennard of the Beverage Testing Institute in Chicago on tasting beer

SAM: What'd you like, Normie?
NORM: A reason to live. Give me another beer. ~ Cheers

"The most dynamic beer culture in the world is here.  There is more going on with brewing in America than anywhere else." ~ Kalamazoo Brewing founder Larry Bell

"All right, brain, I don't like you and you don't like me - so let's just do this and I'll get back to killing you with beer." ~ Homer Simpson

"To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a support group.  Salvation in a can!" ~ Dave Howell

"Be always drunken. Nothing else matters...
Drunken with what?
With wine, with poetry, or with virtue, as you will.
But be drunken." ~ Baudelaire

"Teaching has ruined more American novelists than drink." ~ Gore Vidal

"Prohibition makes you want to cry into your beer, and denies you the beer to cry into." ~ Don Marquis, 1878-1937, American journalist

"It is a fair wind that blew men to the ale." ~ Washington Irving

"Work is the curse of the drinking classes." ~ Oscar Wilde

"The easiest way to spot a w*nker in a pub is to look around and find who's drinking a Corona with a slice of lemon in the neck." ~ Warwick Franks

"Chicken Soup for the Beer Drinkers Soul...  Sometimes, when I reflect back on all the beer I drink, I feel ashamed.  Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams.  If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered.  Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver." ~ Jack Handy

"Let us reflect if we wish to be brilliant.  Too much improvisation leaves the mind stupidly void.  Running beer gathers no foam." ~ Victor Hugy

"I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy." ~ Tom Waits

"Good ale, the true and proper drink of Englishmen.  He is not deserving of the name of Englishman who speaketh against ale, that is good ale." ~ George Borrow

"We're wanted men, we'll strike again, but first let's have a beer." ~ Jimmy Buffett

"Drowning our liver from river to river." ~ Team Donner Party

"Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world." ~ Kaiser Welhelm

WOODY:  Hey, Mr. Peterson, there's a cold one waiting for you.
NORM:  I know.  If she calls, I'm not here. ~ Cheers

"The problem with some people is that when they aren't drunk they're sober." ~ William Butler Yeats

"I would kill everyone in this room for a drop of sweet beer." ~ Homer Simpson

"Beer makes you feel the way you ought to feel without beer." ~ Henry Lawson

"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day." ~ Frank Sinatra

"Here sleep in peace a Hampshire grenadier,
Who caught his death by drinking cold small beer;
Soldiers, take heed from his untimely fall,
And when you're hot, drink strong, or not at all." ~ Epitaph on a soldier's grave

"The pub knows a lot, almost as much as the churches." ~ Joyce Carey

"Show me a nation whose national beverage is beer, and I'll show you an advanced toilet technology." ~ Mark Hawkins in the New York Times, 1977

"A quench of bartenders." ~ Arizonan Karen Heberman's winning entry in the Ardent Spirits Web site competition to find a collective noun for bartenders

"Why should mother go without her nourishing glass of Ale or Stout on washing day?" ~ 1920s anti-temperance slogan

"The stronger and staler the Beer (in it) is, the Better the Ketchup will be." ~ 18th century cookbook author Hanna Glasse's advice to ship captains on how to prevent ketchup from spoiling on a long sea voyage

"I don't have a drinking problem, except when I can't find a drink." ~ Tom Waits

"Wine is but a single broth, ale is meat, drink and cloth." ~ Proverb

"An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk in order to spend time with his friends." ~ Ernest Hemingway

"I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me." ~ Winston Churchill

"My people must drink beer." ~ Frederick the Great

"Yes, my soul sentimentally craves British beer." ~ Thomas Campbell

"Life alas, is very drear. Up with the glass, down with the beer!" ~ Louis Untermeyer

"The Church is nearby, the road is icy.  The bar is far away but I will walk carefully." ~ Russian Proverb

"I meditate and put on a rubber tire with three bottles of beer. Most of the time I just sit picking my nose and thinking." ~ James Gould Cozzens on what he does in his study.

"I would give all my fame for a pot of ale and safety." ~ William Shakespeare

"God made yeast, as well as dough, and he loves fermentation just as dearly as he loves vegetation." ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not." ~ Stephen Wright

"Making light lager beer is like going to the beach in a thong. You better have all your parts in place or it's going to be ugly." ~ Tom Dargan, brewer for the Gordon Biersch Restaurant & Brewery in Broomfield, Colorado

"Whiskey and Beer are a man's worst enemies... but the man that runs away from his enemies is a coward!" ~ Zeca Pagodinho

"One pint of beer ... equals 1/2 college credit in philosophy." ~ Raymond Hankins

"Beer: The cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems." ~ Homer Simpson

"Everybody should believe in something - I believe I'll have another drink." ~ Tucker Max

"If you can't have 1 by 11, have 11 by 1." ~ Anonymous

"They who drink beer will think beer." ~ Washington Irving

"Back and side go bare, go bare,
Both foot and hand go cold;
But, belly, God send thee good ale enough,
Whether it be new or old." ~ Bishop Still (John), Gammer Gurton's Needle

"A pleasant apertif, as well as a good chaser for a short quick whiskey, as well again for a fine supper drink, is beer." ~ M.F.K. Fisher

"For drink, there was beer which was very strong when not mingled with water, but was agreeable to those who were used to it.  They drank this with a reed, out of the vessel that held the beer, upon which they saw the barley swim." ~ Xenophon, c.435-c.354 BC, Greek historian

"Beer has long been the prime lubricant in our social intercourse and the sacred throat-anointing fluid that accompanies the ritual of mateship. To sink a few cold ones with the blokes is both an escape and a confirmation of belonging." ~ Rennie Ellis

"No, sir: There is nothing which has yet been contrived by man by which so much happiness is produced as by a good tavern or inn." ~ Samuel Johnson

"When we drink, we get drunk.  When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin.  When we commit no sin, we go to heaven.  Sooooo, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!" ~ Brian O'Rourke

"I'm Catholic and I can't commit suicide, but I plan to drink myself to death." ~ Jack Kerouac

"They didn't trademark everything back then.  Now someone farts and they put a TM after it.  Even Miller Lite says 'A Fine Pilsner Beer' on the label.  It is a crime." ~ Michael Jackson, the Beer Hunter

"Pure water is the best gifts a man can bring.  But who am I that I should have the best of anything?  Let princes revel at the pump, let peers with ponds make free.  Beer is good enough for me." ~ Lord Neaves

"What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch?" ~ W.C. Fields

"You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline.  It helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer." ~ Frank Zappa

"Bad men live that they may eat and drink, whereas good men eat and drink that they may live." ~ Socrates

"For a quart of Ale is a dish for a King." ~ William Shakespeare

SAM: What'll you have Normie?
NORM: Well, I'm in a gambling mood, Sammy. I'll take a glass of whatever comes out of that tap.
SAM: Looks like beer, Norm.
NORM: Call me Mister Lucky. ~ Cheers

"Gimme a pigfoot and a bottle of beer." ~ Janis Joplin

"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy." ~ Benjamin Franklin

"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer.  Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza." ~ Dave Barry

"Busy, curious, thirsty fly,
Drink with me, and drink as I.
On a Fly drinking out of a Cup of Ale Source." ~ William Oldys 1696-1761

"Why do I drink?  So that I can write poetry." ~ Jim Morrison

WOODY: How's it going, Mr. Peterson?
NORM: Poor.
WOODY: I'm sorry to hear that.
NORM: No, I mean pour. ~ Cheers

"I pray thee let me and my fellow have a haire of the dog that bit us last night." ~ John Heywood, Be Merry Friends

BEER: HELPING UGLY PEOPLE HAVE SEX SINCE 3000 B.C. ~ The Book of Genesis

"A mouth of a perfectly happy man is filled with beer." ~ Ancient Egyptian adage

"Remember "I" before "E", except in Budweiser." ~ Anonymous

"To some, it's a six-pack' to me, it's a Support Group.  Salvation in a can!" ~ Unknown

"Women and drink.  Too much of either can drive you to the other." ~ Michael Still

"He was a wise man who invented beer." ~ Plato

"I've always believed that paradise will have my favorite beer on tap." ~ Rudyard Wheatley

"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo.  And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first.  This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.  In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells.  Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells.  But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.  In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.  That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers." ~ Cliff Clavin (Cheers)

"O Beer! Guinness, Allsopp, Bass!  Names that should be on every infant's tongue!" ~ C.S. Calverley

"She never tasted it - it can't be tasted in a sip!'" ~ Charles Dickens

WOODY: What's the story, Mr. Peterson?
NORM: The Bobbsey twins go to the brewery.  Let's cut to the happy ending. ~ Cheers

"...and I will make it felony to drink small beer." ~ William Shakespeare

"What two ideas are more inseparable than Beer and Britannia?  What event more awfully important to an English colony than the erection of its first brewhouse?" ~ Reverend Sydney Smith

"Beer drinking doesn't do half the harm of lovemaking." ~ Eden Philpotts

WOODY: How would a beer feel, Mr. Peterson?
NORM: Pretty nervous if I was in the room. ~ Cheers

"Flow Welsted, flow! like thine inspirer, beer!
Tho' stale, not ripe; tho' thin, yet never clear;
So sweetly mawkish, and so smoothly dull;
Heady, not strong; o'erflowing tho' not full." ~ Alexander Pope

"Give an Irishman lager for a month and he's a dead man.  An Irishman's stomach is lined with copper, and the beer corrodes it.  But whiskey polishes the copper and is the saving of him." ~ Mark Twain

"I do not remember the poor creature, small beer." ~ William Shakespeare

"You can never buy beer.  You just rent it. ~ Archie Bunker

"Pretty women make us BUY beer.  Ugly women make us DRINK beer." ~ Al Bundy

"Do not cease to drink beer, to eat, to intoxicate thyself, to make love, and to celebrate the good days." ~ Ancient Egyptian Credo

SAM: What do you know there, Norm?
NORM: How to sit.  How to drink.  Want to quiz me? ~ Cheers

"I fear the man who drinks water and so remembers this morning what the rest of us said last night." ~ Ancient Greek Proverb

"I drink with impunity... or anyone else who invites me." ~ W.C. Fields

"God has a brown voice, as soft and full as beer." ~ Anne Sexton

"Reality is an illusion that occurs due to the lack of alcohol." ~ Anonymous

"Beauty lies in the hands of the beerholder." ~ Anonymous

COACH: Can I draw you a beer, Norm?
NORM: No, I know what they look like.  Just pour me one. ~ Cheers

"Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted all of the time and have the time of your life." ~ Anonymous

"Life's too short to drink cheap beer." ~ Anonymous

"Drink triple, see double and act single." ~ Anonymous

"I drink, therefore I am." ~ Anonymous

"When I heated my home with oil, I used an average of 800 gallons a year.  I have found that I can keep comfortably warm for an entire winter with slightly over half that quantity of beer." ~ Dave Barry

"There can't be good living where there is not good drinking." ~ Ben Franklin

"You sit back in the darkness, nursing your beer, breathing in that ineffable aroma of the old-time saloon: dark wood, spilled beer, good cigars, and ancient whiskey - the sacred incense of the drinking man." ~ Bruce Aidells

"People who drink light 'beer' don't like the taste of beer; they just like to pee a lot." ~ Capital Brewery, Middleton, WI

SAM: What's new, Normie?
NORM: Terrorists, Sam.  They've taken over my stomach and they're demanding beer. ~ Cheers

"Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time." ~ Catherine Zandonella

"I drink to make other people interesting." ~ George Jean Nathan

WOODY: Pour you a beer, Mr. Peterson?
NORM: All right, but stop me at one.  Make that one-thirty. ~ Cheers

WOODY: What's going on, Mr. Peterson?
NORM: The question is what's going in Mr. Peterson?  A beer please, Woody. ~ Cheers

"Fermentation may have been a greater discovery than fire." ~ David Rains Wallace

"All other nations are drinking Ray Charles beer and we are drinking Barry Manilow." ~ Dave Barry

"If God had intended us to drink beer, He would have given us stomachs." ~ David Daye

WOODY: Hey, Mr. Peterson, what's up?
NORM: The warranty on my liver. ~ Cheers

"America is a country of beer, not wine, drinkers." ~ Tom Dalldorf

"Beer, if drunk in moderation, softens the temper, cheers the spirit and promotes health." ~ Thomas Jefferson

"I'll have another beer.  I'm not driving." ~ Father Theodore,  Trappist monk

"The government will fall that raises the price of beer." ~ Czech saying

"Not all chemicals are bad.  Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer." ~ Dave Barry

"Let us drink for the replenishment of our strength, not for our sorrow." ~ Cicero

CLIFF: Hey, Norm, What's up?
NORM: My blood-alcohol level. ~ Cheers

"Why is American beer served cold?  So you can tell it from urine." ~ David Moulton

"If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose." ~ Jack Handy, deep thoughts

"I recommend bread, meat, vegetables, and beer." ~ Sophocles

"I work until beer o'clock." ~ Stephen King

COACH: What would you say to a beer, Normie?
NORM: Daddy wuvs you. ~ Cheers

"Life begins at 60 - 1.060, that is." ~ Denny Conn

"Beer is a wholesome liquor.  It abounds with nourishment." ~ Dr. Benjamin Rush, American physician

"Quaintest thoughts, queerest fancies come to life and fade away.  What care I how time advances; I am drinking ale today." ~ Edgar Allan Poe

"I decided to stop drinking with creeps.  I decided to drink only with friends.  I've lost 30 pounds." ~ Ernest Hemingway

"Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk.  That will teach you to keep your mouth shut." ~ Ernest Hemingway

"Many battles have been fought and won by soldiers nourished on beer." ~ Frederick William

"Beer does not make itself properly by itself.  It takes an element of mystery and of things that no one can understand." ~ Fritz Maytag, American brewer

"If my mother was tied up and held ransom, I might think about making a light beer." ~ Greg Koch, CEO and co-founder of Stone Brewing

SAM: What do you say, Norm?
NORM: Any cheap, tawdry thing that'll get me a beer. ~ Cheers

"Spring is here, so let's have a beer." ~ Randal G. Sprecher

"There is more to life than beer alone, but beer makes those other things even better." ~ Stephen Morris

"Put it back in the horse!" ~ H. Allen Smith, after he drank his first American beer.

"The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind." ~ Humphrey Bogart

"I drink when I have occasion, and sometimes when I have no occasion." ~ Miguel de Cervantes

"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading." ~ Henny Youngman

[Simon]

Wow!  Fantastic, Rod.  Was that the draft version? 

[Rodders]

No, but I can do a slightly lager version if you want.   

[Simon]

   But I'm not bitter. 

[Rik]

I'm hopping mad.

[Simon]

I'm not in the yeast bit bothered. 

[Rodders]

Lost yer bottle?   

[Simon]

Ale ignore that.  I don't want to get labelled. 

[Rodders]

Best not to brewed on it.   

[Clive]

That's a very comprehensive list!   

[Simon]

The Pist List! 

[Rik]

I'm off.