From today's
Independent...The Ashes: The best insults in cricketOne attributed to any number of players over the years, but we'll put this one down to the time that, after beating the bat on a number of occasions Shaun Pollock told Ricky Ponting, "It's red, its round and weighs about 5 ounces." Ponting hit the next ball out of the ground. He jibed, "You know what it looks like, go and find it."
Eddo Brandes, the chicken farmer who batted at 11 for Zimbabwe, was surviving in entirely haphazard fashion. The exasperated bowler wandered down the pitch and was drolly asked: "Eddo, why are you so fat?" Brandes promptly replied: "Because every time I make love to your wife, she gives me a biscuit."
Sri Lankan skipper Arjuna Ranatunga was not the most popular figure on the international circuit, and was perhaps most unpopular with the Australians (perhaps because he did rather well against them). One occasion, the great spinner Shane Warne was trying to lure the comfortable figure of Ranatunga down the pitch and was being frustrated by Ranatunga's unwillingness to be tempted. Wicketkeeper Ian Healy piped up: "Put a Mars Bar on a good length. That should do it."
South African Daryll Cullinan became famous as an easy wicket for Warne and as he once came to the crease, Warne taunted him by saying he'd been waiting two years to have another crack at him. Cullinan retorted, "Looks like you spent it eating."
During the Lords Test of 1989, Australian fast bowler Merv Hughes was in the middle of a purple patch and beating the bat regularly. Frustrated as another slid by the edge of the bat of England batsman Robin Smith, Hughes snarled: 'Mate, you can't bat'. Naturally, Smith despatched the next ball for four and responded, "Hey Merv, we'd make a fine pair. I can't bat and you can't bowl."
Hughes was an enthusiastic sledger and targeted Graeme Hick for his venom, viewing him as weak at the mental side of the game. "Mate," he would say, "if you just turn the bat over, you'll find the instructions on the other side." Or: "Does your husband play cricket as well?'
Mike Atherton, a rather more robust victim, remembered: "I couldn't make out what he was saying, except that every sledge ended with 'arsewipe'."
On one occasion Hughes was being hit all round the ground - in some versions by Viv Richards, in others by Hansie Cronje. Hughes stopped halfway down the pitch, and broke wind lavishly. "Let's see you hit that to the boundary!"
During the 1991 Adelaide Test, Javed Miandad had said publicly that Hughes looked like a fat bus conductor. Big Merv dismissed the Pakistani soon after, running passed the batsman yelling, "Tickets please!"
Jimmy Ormond was a county bowler surprisingly promoted to the England Test side to be greeted at the crease by Mark Waugh (brother of Australian captain Steve): "Mate, what are you doing here? There is no way you're good enough to play for England." Ormond responded, "Maybe not, but at least I'm the best player in my family."
Ian Botham could always give as good as he got. When he came to the crease Aussie 'keeper Rod Marsh said cheerfully: 'How's your wife and my kids?' Botham is said to have replied: "The wife's fine. The kids are retarded."
Fast bowling great Fred Truman would have a go at his own team-mates, never mind the other team, if he thought they'd done him wrong. After an outside edge flew through the legs of a slip fielder, the guilty party - Raman Subba Row - trotted up to apologise: "Sorry Fred, I should have kept my legs together." Truman responded, "So should your mother."
Topic: The Ashes: The Best Insults In Cricket (Read 5185 times)