Author Topic: Blonde Jokes Can Go Here (Read 139037 times)

Clive · « **Reply #360 on:** March 01, 2005, 21:12 »

A young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife something nice for their first wedding anniversary. So he decides to buy her a cell phone.

She is all excited, she loves her phone. He shows her and explains to her all the features on the phone.

The next day the blonde goes shopping. Her phone rings and it's her husband, "Hi Hun," he says, "how do you like your new phone?"

She replies, "I just love it, it's so small and your voice is clear as a bell but there's one thing I don't understand though."

"What's that, baby?" asks the husband.

"How did you know I was at Wal Mart?"

Clive · « **Reply #361 on:** March 30, 2005, 22:40 »

Three women go down to Mexico one night to celebrate college graduation, get drunk, and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning, though none of them can remember what they did the night before.

The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair, and is asked if she has any last words. She says, I just graduated from Brigham Young University, and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on behalf of the innocent." They throw the switch and nothing happens. They all immediately prostrate themselves; beg for her forgiveness, and release her.

The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words, "I just graduated from the Harvard School of Law and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent." They throw the switch and, again, nothing happens. Again, they all immediately prostrate themselves; beg for her forgiveness, and release her.

The last one, a blonde, is strapped in and says, "Well, I'm from the University of Tennessee and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I'll tell ya right now, y'all ain't Gonna electrocute nobody if you don't plug this thing in."

NiTrOgEn · « **Reply #362 on:** March 30, 2005, 22:48 »

makes life more exciting with your excellent humour, please keep up the good work Clive nice to know that your still alive and kicking cheers

Paul

Clive · « **Reply #363 on:** May 09, 2005, 16:27 »

Two girlfriends were speeding down the highway at well over 98 mph.

"Hey," asked the brunette at the wheel "Any cops following us?"

The blonde turned around and had a long look at the road behind them.
"Yeah, looks like it"

"Are his flashers on?"

The blonde turned around again...... Lemme see....

"Yup....nope....yup....nope....yup....nope....yup..."

Clive · « **Reply #364 on:** May 25, 2005, 11:24 »

Two blondes observed in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their
Mercedes with a coat hanger.
Blonde#1: I can't seem to get this door unlocked!
Blonde#2: Well, you'd better hurry up and try harder, its starting to rain
and the top is down!

Clive · « **Reply #365 on:** June 28, 2005, 22:47 »

My wife, who is blonde, came running up to me in the driveway, the other day, just jumping for joy! I didn't know why she was jumping for joy but I thought, what the heck and I starting jumping up and down along with her.

She said, "Honey, I have some really great news for you!"

I said, "Great. Tell me what you're so happy about."

She stopped jumping and was breathing heavily from all the jumping up and down, when she told me that she was pregnant!
I was ecstatic! We had been trying for a while, so I grabbed her and kissed her on the lips and told her, "That's great! I couldn't be happier!"

Then, she said "Oh, honey, There's more." I asked, "What do you mean 'more'?"

She said, "Well, we are not having just one baby. We are going to have TWINS!"

Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, I asked her how she knew.

She said, "Well, that was the easy part. I went to Wal-Mart and bought the twin-pack home pregnancy test kit and both tests came out positive!"

Simon · « **Reply #366 on:** July 30, 2005, 09:40 »

There was 3 ladies on an island 1 blonde 1 brunette and a red-head. The city where they wanted to be was 20 miles away with sea between the the island and the city. The red-head swam 4 miles and drowned of exhaustion, the brunette sawm 10 miles and drowned of exhaustion, the blonde swam 19 miles, got tired, and swam back.

Simon · « **Reply #367 on:** July 30, 2005, 09:40 »

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead were stuck on an island for many, many years until one day they found a magic lamp. They rubbed it hard and out popped a genie. He said that he could only give three wishes so since there were three girls, each would get one wish. The redhead went first. 'I hate it here. It is too hot and boring. I want to go home!' 'Okay,' replied the genie. And off she went. Then the brunette went. 'I miss my family, my friends and relatives. I want to go home, too!!' And off she went. The blonde started crying and said, 'I wish my friends were back here!'

Simon · « **Reply #368 on:** July 30, 2005, 09:42 »

Two blonde girls were talking and one couldn't help but notice how pretty and beautiful the others skin was. So she asked her outright what made her skin so soft and beautiful."Well, once a week I fill the bathtub with milk and just soak in it."

So the blonde went to a farm and spoke to the farmer. "I'd like a lot of milk."

"How much?" asked the farmer.

"Well, quite a lot because I'm going to soak in it."

He asked, "Pasteurized?"

"No...just up to my tits."

OK, OK, I know it's an old one!

Serenity · « **Reply #369 on:** August 09, 2005, 08:43 »

A PLANE IS ON ITS WAY TO TORONTO WHEN A BLONDE IN ECONOMY

CLASS GETS UP AND MOVES TO THE 1ST CLASS SECTION AND SITS
DOWN.

THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT WATCHES HER DO THIS AND ASKS TO SEE HER TICKET.

SHE THEN TELLS THE BLONDE THAT SHE PAID FOR ECONOMY CLASS AND THAT SHE WILL HAVE TO SIT IN THE BACK.

THE BLONDE REPLIES: "I'M BLOND, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO
TORONTO AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."

THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT GOES INTO THE COCKPIT AND TELLS THE PILOT AND THE CO-PILOT THAT THERE IS A BLONDE BIMBO SITTING IN FIRST CLASS THAT BELONGS IN ECONOMY AND WON'T MOVE BACK TO HER SEAT.

THE COPILOT GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND TRIES TO EXPLAIN THAT BECAUSE SHE ONLY PAID FOR ECONOMY SHE ILL HAVE TO LEAVE AND RETURN TO HER SEAT.

THE BLONDE REPLIES: "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO
TORONTO & I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE"

THE COPILOT TELLS THE PILOT THAT HE PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE THE POLICE WAITING WHEN THEY LAND TO ARREST THIS BLONDE WOMAN WHO WON'T LISTEN TO REASON.

THE PILOT SAYS: "YOU SAY SHE IS A BLONDE? I'LL HANDLE THIS. I'M
MARRIED TO A BLONDE. I SPEAK BLONDE."

HE GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND WHISPERS IN HER EAR, AND SHE
SAYS:

"OH, I'M SORRY." AND SHE GETS UP AND GOES BACK TO HER SEAT IN
ECONOMY.

THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT AND COPILOT ARE AMAZED AND ASK HIM WHAT HE SAID

TO MAKE HER MOVE WITHOUT ANY FUSS.

"I TOLD HER, FIRST CLASS ISN'T GOING TO TORONTO

NiTrOgEn · « **Reply #370 on:** August 09, 2005, 10:58 »

A blonde driving a car became lost in a snowstorm. She didn't panic however, because she remembered what her dad had once told her. "If you ever get stuck in a snowstorm, just wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it."

Sure enough, pretty soon a snow plow came by, and she started to follow it. She followed the plow for about forty-five minutes.

Finally the driver of the truck got out and asked her what she was doing. And she explained that her dad had told her if she ever got stuck in a snow storm, to follow a plow.

The driver nodded and said, "Well, I'm done with the Wal-Mart parking lot, do you want to follow me over to K-Mart now?"

Clive · « **Reply #371 on:** August 25, 2005, 14:21 »

Lent
On the first day of their Honeymoon, the very naive blond virgin bride slipped into a sexy but sweet nightie and,
with great anticipation, crawled into bed, only to find that her new Christian husband had settled down on the couch.
When she asked him why he was apparently not going to make love to her, he replied, "Because it's Lent." Almost
in tears, she remarked, "Well, that is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard! To whom did you lend it, and for how long?"

Michelle · « **Reply #372 on:** September 09, 2005, 21:22 »

A blonde woman is terribly overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet. ?I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you?ll have lost at least five pounds.?

When the blonde returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds.

?Why, that?s amazing!? the doctor said. ?Did you follow my instructions??

The blonde nodded. ?I?ll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day.?

?From hunger, you mean?? asked the doctor.

?No, from skipping.?

Camstop · « **Reply #373 on:** September 15, 2005, 17:10 »

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive
blond female neighbour came out of the house and went straight to the
mailbox.
She opened it then slammed it shut &stormed back into the house.
A little later she came out of her house again went to the mail
box and again, opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into
the house she went.
As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came
again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed
harder than ever.
Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?"
To which she replied, "There certainly is!"

My stupid computer keeps saying, "YOU'VE GOT MAIL."

Clive · « **Reply #374 on:** September 15, 2005, 17:37 »

10/10 Cammy!