Topic: Nelson at Trafalgar 2012

[Clive]

 
       

Nelson:  "Order the signal, Hardy."

Hardy:  "Aye, aye sir."

Nelson:  "Hold on, this isn't what I dictated to Flags. What's the meaning  of this?"

Hardy:  "Sorry sir?"

Nelson  (reading aloud):  „ England expects every person to do his or her duty, regardless  of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or  disability.' - What gobbledygook is this for God's  sake?"

Hardy:  "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities  employer now. We had the devil's own job getting "England " past  the censors, lest it be considered racist."

Nelson:  "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and  tobacco."

Hardy:  "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have now been designated smoke-free  working environments."

Nelson:  "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the main  brace to steel the men before battle."

Hardy:  "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. Its part of the  Government's policy on binge drinking."

Nelson:  "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it full  speed ahead."

Hardy:  "I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this  stretch of water."

Nelson:  "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in  history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's  nest, please."

Hardy:  "That won't be possible, sir."

Nelson:  "What?"

Hardy:  "Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness;  and they said that rope ladders don't meet regulations. They won't  let anyone up there until proper scaffolding can be  erected."

Nelson:  "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay,  Hardy."

Hardy:  "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the foredeck  Admiral."

Nelson:  "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so  absurd."

Hardy:  "Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier- free  environment for the differently abled."

Nelson: "Differently abled? I've only  one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word.  I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability  card."

Hardy:  "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under- represented in  the areas of visual impairment and limb  deficiency."

Nelson:  "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray  beckons."

Hardy:  "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't let  the crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don't want  anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the  adverts?"

Nelson:  "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the  men to stand by to engage the enemy."

Hardy:  "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone,  Admiral."

Nelson:  "What? This is mutiny!"

Hardy:  "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being  charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There are a  couple of legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like  hawks."

Nelson:  "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the  Spanish?"

Hardy:  "Actually, sir, we're not."

Nelson:  "We're not?"

Hardy:  "No, sir. The French and the Spanish are our European partners  now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even  be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for  compensation."

Nelson:  "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the  devil."

Hardy:  "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity coordinator hear you saying  that sir. You'll be up on disciplinary  report."

Nelson:  "You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your  King."

Hardy:  "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural  age.  Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules. It could  save your life"

Nelson:  "Don't tell me - Health and Safety. Whatever happened to rum,  sodomy and the lash?"

Hardy:  As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban on  corporal punishment."

Nelson:  "What about sodomy?"

Hardy:  "I believe that is now legal, sir."

Nelson:  "In that case................... Kiss me,  Hardy."

[Rik]

 

[Simon]