Topic: Groaner thread

[GillE]

Simon, you took the words out of my mouth  .

[Clive]

f(x) walks into a pub and the barman says, "Sorry we don't do functions"

[Simon]

 

[sam]

f(x) walks into a pub and the barman says, "Sorry we don't do functions"

 

[Clive]

Murphy says to Paddy,  "What ya talkin into an envelope for?" 
"I'm sending a voicemail ya fool!"
 

19 Paddies go to the cinema, the ticket lady asks "Why so many of you?"
Mick replies, "The film said 18 or over."
                                           
I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave.
As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin. 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it.
I thought to myself, they've lost the plot!!
               

My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!!!
Blow this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.
                                           
Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarfs are not Happy.
                                           
My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that 2:30am!
Luckily for him, I was still up playing my Bagpipes.
                                           
The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.
                                           
Sat opposite an Indian lady on the train today, she shut her eyes and stopped breathing.
I thought she was dead, until I saw the red spot on her forehead and realised she was just on standby.
                                           
When I was in the pub, I heard a couple of plonkers saying that they wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman. What a pair of sexists,I mean, it's not as if she'd have to reverse the blooming thing!
                                           

Local Police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter', who has stabbed six people in the rear in the last 48 hours, believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern.
                                         

Just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball. It was a lovely service.
                                             

Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador.
"Blow that" says Mick, "have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"

[daveeb]

 

[Den]

 

[pctech]

Police are appealing for witnesses to a crash involving two articulated trucks which led to the closure of a section of motorway yesterday for a number of hours, one was carrying cream and the other strawberries, the drivers have apparently desserted the area.

[Clive]

 

[Simon]

 

[Clive]

I've just started a part time job in a factory making chess pieces.

I'm on knights next week.

[Simon]

[Simon]

A friend just messaged me.  He thinks he's caught Covid from his cat.

Don't ask meow. 

 

Here all week...

[Den]

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years.


He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes!

He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck.

If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you.

Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous.

If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline.

I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!"   

[Simon]