Topic: Groaner thread

[Clive]

A middle-aged woman seemed sheepish as she visited her gynecologist.

"Come now," coaxed the doctor, "you've been seeing me for years.  There's nothing you can't tell me."

"This one's kind of strange..."

"Let me be the judge of that," the doctor replied.

"Well," she said, "yesterday I went to the bathroom in the morning and heard a plink-plink-plink in the toilet and when I looked down, the water was full of pennies."

"I see."

"That afternoon I went again and there were nickels in the bowl."

"Uh-huh" "That night," she went on, "there were dimes and this morning there were quarters. You've got to tell me what's wrong with me," she implored, "I'm scared out of my wits."

The gynecologist put a comforting hand on her shoulder.  "There, there, it's nothing to be scared about, You're simply going through the change."

[Serenity]

  GROANNNNNNNNNNNNN  

[Lona]

Does that mean it will be 10p pieces, 5p pieces, and 1ps we have to look forward to.  

[Clive]

Back in the cowboy days, a westbound wagon train was lost and low on food. No other people had been seen for days.
Unexpectedly, they saw an old Jewish man sitting beneath a tree. The leader rushed up to him and said, "We're lost.  Is there someplace ahead where we can get food?"

"Vell," the old Jewish man said, "I vould definitely NOT go up dat hill und down other side. Somevun told me you'll run into a big bacon tree."

"A bacon tree?" asked the wagon train leader.

"Yah, yah ah bacon tree. Trust me. For nutting vud I lie."

The leader went back and told his people that, if nothing else, they might be able to find food on the other side of the next ridge.

"So why did he say not to go there?" some pioneers asked.

"Oh, you know the Jewish folks -- they don't eat bacon."

So the wagon train went up the hill and down the other side. Suddenly, Indians attacked and massacred every one except the leader.

He managed to escape back to where the old Jewish man was sitting and enjoying his drink. The near-dead man starts shouting, "You fool! You sent us to our deaths! We followed your instructions, but there was no bacon tree.
Just hundreds of Indians. They killed everyone but me."

The Jewish man held up his hand and said, "Oy, vey, vait a minute, vait a minute." He got out an English-Yiddish dictionary and began thumbing through it. "Gevalt, I made myself ah big mistake. It vuz not a bacon tree. It vuz a
ham bush!"

[Simon]

[Camstop]

Q. How do crippled crabs get around?
A. On crotches.

 

[Clive]

:youch:

[Clive]

A little old lady is on a bus, buying a ticket from the bus conductor, fumbling in a voluminous bag for the correct change. After several minutes the conductor becomes so enraged that he hits her on the head with the ticket-dispenser, and the poor old dear dies instantly.

Not surprisingly, he is convicted and put on death row.

Just before he is to be electrocuted, his last request is for 12 pounds of bananas, which he devours.

They strap him into the chair, flip the switch, and he just sits there, smiling. According to tradition, this is considered a reprieve from God and he is freed.

Somehow he gets his old job back, and he is happily dispensing tickets when he sees a girl stick her gum on the back of a seat on the bus. Enraged, he lunges out with the ticket dispenser, breaking the offender's neck
and killing her.

Again, he is convicted and sent to death row. He again eats the 12 pounds of bananas, and lo and behold, the electricity does not harm him.

This time the executioner cleans the contacts, makes him sit in a bucket of water, he tries everything - but the conductor won't die. So again, he is set free.

Amazingly he regains his job. It takes him 1 day to lose his temper and beat to death a young boy who starts to chew his bus ticket. He returns to death row, eats the bananas, and survives the electrocution.

At this point, the executioner can take no more - his professional pride has been hurt. Before setting our friend free again, he asks him his secret - what is it with the bananas?

"Oh, the bananas have nothing to do with it," replies our friend. "I'm just a bad conductor."

[Simon]

I think you deserve Death Row for that joke, Clive!  

[Robotochan]

Great joke clive  

[Camstop]

A little boy was lost at a large shopping mall. He approached a uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost my dad!"

The cop asked, "What's he like?"

The little boy replied, "Beer and women with big tits."

 

[Camstop]

One day a teacher told her student's to make a sentence using the math terms add, subtract, divide, multiply.

When time was over she called Little Johnny.

He said, "This is the process of having sex. First you add the bed, subtract the clothes, divide the legs and hope you don't multiply.
 
 
 

[Clive]

There's a man and his wife who own a pub, and have a dog called Fido, who's 24, which is very old for a dog. One day the dog tragically dies, and they bury him but keep his tail separate as a memorial.

That night, the man hears a strange noise and rushes downstairs to find the dog's ghost, demanding for his tail back.

The man was just about to give the tail back when the wife rushed down and said:
'Don't give it back! Don't give it back!'
'Why?' asked the man.
'You're not allowed to retail spirits after 12:00!'


OK, that's bad even for me!    

[Michelle]

Oh No!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Camstop]

I liked it Clive