Author Topic: Groaner thread (Read 199100 times)

Clive · « **Reply #315 on:** August 11, 2005, 18:50 »

A Russian couple were walking down the street in Moscow one night, when the man felt a drop hit his nose. "I think it's raining", he said to his wife.

"No, that felt more like snow to me", she replied.

"No, I'm sure it was just rain" he said.

Well, as these things go, they were about to have a major argument about whether it was raining or snowing. Just then they saw a Communist Party official walking toward them.

"Let's not fight about it", the man said, "Let's ask Comrade Rudolph whether it's officially raining or snowing".

As the official approached, the man said, "Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is it officially raining or snowing?"

"It's raining, of course", he replied, and walked on.

But the woman insisted: "I know that felt like snow!" to which the man quietly replied:

"Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear".

Simon · « **Reply #316 on:** August 11, 2005, 20:02 »

:roll:

GillE · « **Reply #317 on:** August 17, 2005, 13:16 »

A man comes home with a live sheep under his arm, walks into the bedroom and says, "This is the pig i have sex with when you have a headache".

His wife puts down her book, looks at him and says, "I think you'll find that's a sheep". He says, "And I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep".

Clive · « **Reply #318 on:** August 17, 2005, 13:48 »

sam · « **Reply #319 on:** August 17, 2005, 15:52 »

bringing back memories eh clive?

Clive · « **Reply #320 on:** October 04, 2005, 20:30 »

The frugal man walked into the house panting and almost completely exhausted.

?What happened, Honey?? asked his wife.

?It?s a great new idea I have,? he gasped. ?I ran all the way home behind the bus and saved 50 cents.?

?That wasn?t to smart,? replied his wife. ?Why didn?t you run behind a taxi and save five dollars??

Camstop · « **Reply #321 on:** October 16, 2005, 22:17 »

A pair of chickens walk up to the circulation desk at a public library and say, 'Buk Buk BUK.' The librarian decides that the chickens desire three books, and gives it to them...and the chickens leave shortly thereafter.

Around midday, the two chickens return to the circulation desk quite vexed and say,' Buk Buk BuKKOOK!' The librarian decides that the chickens desire another three books and gives it to them. The chickens leave as before.

The two chickens return to the library in the early afternoon, approach the librarian, looking very annoyed and say, 'Buk Buk Buk Buk Bukkooook!' The librarian is now a little suspicious of these chickens. She gives them what they request, and decides to follow them.

She followed them out of the library, out of the town, and to a park. At this point, she hid behind a tree, not wanting to be seen. She saw the two chickens throwing the books at a frog in a pond, to which the frog was saying, "Rrredit Rrredit Rrredit..."

A fleet of black cabs are outside as I speak! :mrgreen:

Clive · « **Reply #322 on:** October 16, 2005, 23:24 »

I don't understand the joke! :blush2:

Simon · « **Reply #323 on:** October 16, 2005, 23:57 »

Quote from: "Clive"

I don't understand the joke! :blush2:

Time you had an early night, Clive! :grin:

Clive · « **Reply #324 on:** November 04, 2005, 13:17 »

A Jelly Baby walks into a bar and starts talking to a Smartie. After a few beers the Smartie says "Ere, a bunch of us are heading to that new club, fancy tagging along?"

The Jelly Baby says "No mate, I'm a soft centre, I always end up getting my head kicked in." So Smartie says, "Don't worry about it, I'm a bit of a hard case, I'll look after you."

Jelly Baby thinks about it for a minute and says "Fair enough, as long as you'll look after me", and off they go.

After a few more beers in the club, three Lockets walk in. As soon as he sees them, Smartie hides under the table.

The Lockets take one look at Jelly Baby and start kicking him, breaking bottles over his little jelly head, lamping him with little sugary chairs, and generally having a laugh. After a while they get bored and walk out.

Jelly Baby pulls his battered Jelly Baby body over to the table and wipes up his Jelly Baby blood and turns to Smartie and says "I thought you were going to look after me."

"I was!" says Smartie, "But those Lockets are bloody menthol"

Clive · « **Reply #325 on:** December 01, 2005, 13:27 »

There was this guy and he had a girlfriend named Lorraine who was very
pretty and he liked her a lot. One day he went to work and found that a
new girl had started working there. Her name was Clearly and she was
absolutely gorgeous. He became quite besotted with Clearly and after a
while it became obvious that she was interested in him too. But this
guy was a loyal man and he wouldn't do anything with Clearly while he
was still going out with Lorraine. He decided that there was nothing
left to do but to break up with Lorraine and get it on with Clearly. He
planned several times to tell Lorraine but he couldn't bring himself to
do it. Then one day they went for a walk along the riverbank when
Lorraine slipped and fell in to the river. The current carried her off
and she drowned. The guy stopped for a moment by the river and then ran
off smiling and singing............
>>
>>
>>
>> Get ready, it's good................
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>> Here it comes.............
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>> "I can see Clearly now Lorraine has gone"

Simon · « **Reply #326 on:** December 01, 2005, 20:53 »

:argh: Somebody shoot him!

Clive · « **Reply #327 on:** December 31, 2005, 11:20 »

A businessman walks into a bar after a day at the office, sits down, and orders a drink. He grabs a handful of peanuts from the bowl on the counter, and as he takes his first sip, he hears a voice say, "That's a beautiful tie, is that silk? The women must love you."

Wondering who would make such a strange comment, he looks around and doesn't see anyone near him who could've been speaking to him. With a shrug, he finishes his drink & peanuts and orders another.

Next he hears a voice say, "Those shoes are stylin', my man. Are they Italian leather? They look grrrreat."

He whirls around to again see no one near him. He glances nervously around and then at his shoes, which he tucks self-consciously under the stool. A little wierded out, he grabs another handful of peanuts and orders a third drink. This time the voice continues with, "That suit looks fantastic. Is it an Armani? You are *SO* G.Q.!"

He immediately calls the bartender over and says, "Look. I keep hearing these voices telling me how great my tie, my shoes, and my suit look -- What's up with that? Am I going crazy?"

"Oh," the bartender, nonchalantly replies, "those are just the peanuts."

"The peanuts?!?" the astonished man asks, staring at the bowl beside him.

"Yeah," replies the bartender, "...they're complimentary."

Clive · « **Reply #328 on:** January 13, 2006, 15:18 »

A happily married man had only one complaint,
his wife was always nursing sick birds.

One November evening, he came home to find
a raven with a splint on its beak sitting in his
favorite chair. On the dining room table there was
a feverish eagle pecking at an aspirin while in the
kitchen his wife was comforting a shivering little
wren that she found in the snow.

The furious spouse strode over to where his wife
was towering down the cold little bird. "I can't take
it any more! We've got to get rid of all of these darn..."

The wife held up her hand to cut him off in mid-
curse. "Please Dear," she said, "Not in front of
the chilled wren."

Simon · « **Reply #329 on:** January 13, 2006, 20:28 »

Jesus wept! :roll: