Topic: Groaner thread

[Clive]

Paddy gets a job at the Zoo.

"First job today is to clean out the Aquarium" says the head keeper.
"Its next door to the Lion cage but don't go too near that because Lions will eat anything"

Paddy gets stuck in, scrubbing and mopping, wiping and shovelling.
He gets a bit close to the Barracuda pool and one of them jumps up and bites at him.

Paddy has a short fuse and swings at the Barra with his shovel, killing it instantly.
He gets a bit worried, its his first morning and he has already killed one of the fish. Remembering what the Head keeper said, he sneaks the Barracuda out and slings it over the fence for the Lions to eat.
Lions will eat anything.

Next, Paddy goes to the Chimpanzee enclosure.
He gets stuck in, scrubbing and mopping, wiping and shovelling.
One of the Chimps takes a dislike to him and starts throwing things at Paddy.
Paddy takes it until the Chimpanzee throws a lump of sh1t and then he cracks and takes a swing at the Chimp with his shovel, killing it instantly.
When he calms down, he gets worried about having destroyed another on of the exhibits but he remembers what the Head keeper said so he sneaks it around to the Lions and slings it over the fence.
Lions will eat anything.

Late on in the morning, Paddy gets sent to clean up the apiary where the Zoo keep several different species of Bees.
Paddy gets stuck in, scrubbing and mopping, wiping and shovelling.
The South American Bees are quite aggressive and start to attack Paddy who retaliates with his shovel, knocking them all to the ground and mashing them to bits with several blows. Being well versed in the routine by now, he takes them around to the Lions and slings the in by the shovel full.
Lions will eat anything.

That afternoon, the Zoo takes delivery of a new Lion.

The new Lion struts his stuff around the place, roaring and laying his scent before going over to check out the others.

"Hello there" he says to one of the others.
"Whats the food like here?"
Lions will eat anything.

"Foods pretty good" says one of the other Lions
"Today we have had Fish, Chimps and mushy Bees"

[Simon]

[mistybear]

 

[Clive]

Jesus and Satan were having an on-going argument about who was better on the computer. They had been going at it for days, and frankly God was tired of hearing all the bickering.

Finally fed up, God said, "THAT'S IT! I have had enough. I am going to set up a test that will run for two hours, and from those results, I will judge who does the better job."
So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away.

They moused.

They faxed.

They e-mailed.

They e-mailed with attachments.

They downloaded.

They did spreadsheets!

They wrote reports.

They created labels and cards.

They created charts and graphs.

They did some genealogy reports

They did every job known to man.

Jesus worked with

heavenly efficiency and Satan was faster than hell.

Then, ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, rain poured, and, of course, the power went off..

Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld.

Jesus just sighed.

Finally the electricity came back on, and each of them restarted their computers. Satan started searching frantically, screaming:

"It's gone! It's all GONE! "I lost everything when the power went out!"

Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours of work.

Satan observed this and became irate.

"Wait!" he screamed. "That's not fair! He cheated! How come he has all his work and I don't have any?"

God just shrugged and said,

JESUS SAVES

[Simon]

[mistybear]

I'll second that.... 

[Rik]

I think it's a nice moral tale - I bet he makes backups too.

[Clive]

John the farmer was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called "pullets", and ten roosters, whose job it was to fertilize the eggs.

The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced.

That took an awful lot of his time, so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so John could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency reportsimply by listening to the bells.

The farmer's favorite rooster was old Butch, a very fine specimen he was, too. But on this particular morning John noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! John went to investigate. The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.

But to Farmer John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Renfrew County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result...The judges not only awarded old Butch the 'No Bell Piece Prize' but they awarded him the 'Pulletsurprise' as well.

[Rik]

 

[sam]

 

[Simon]

 

[GillE]

 

[mistybear]

      

[Clive]

The Bacon Tree


Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert, wandering aimlessly and close to death. They are close to just lying down and waiting for the inevitable, when all of a sudden.......

"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon I is sure of eet."

"Si, Luis eet smells like bacon to meee."

So, with renewed strength, they struggle up the next sand dune, and there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.

There's raw bacon, dripping with moisture, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon... every imaginable kind of cured pig meat.

"Pepe, Pepe, we is saved. "Eees a bacon tree."

"Luis, are you sure ees not a meerage? We ees in the Desert don't forget."

"Pepe when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon... ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree".

And with that... Luis Races towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe following closely behind, when all of a sudden, a machine gun opens up,and Luis is cut down in his tracks. It is clear he is mortally wounded but, a true friend that he is, he manages to warn Pepe with his dying breath.

"Pepe... go back man,you was right ees not a bacon tree."

"Luis Luis mi amigo... what ees it?

"Pepe... ees not a bacon tree...




Ees








Ees





Ees




Ees





Ees





Ees





Ees






Eees a Ham Bush.

[mistybear]