Apparently the price of hearing aids has gone up.
Deaf people across the country are going, "how much??"
Found a load of glue on my doorstep this morning.
Don't know who it belongs to, guess I'm stuck with it now.
I'm always a considerate lover.
For example, I always consider if they're strong enough to escape.
My mate has the French version of Gulf War Syndrome:
First sign of trouble, he's nowhere to be found.
I phoned the emergancy services the other day and I was on hold for ten minutes. When I got through I said, "You're lucky this is a hoax."
A Welshman was looking at some sheep in a field when the farmer comes over. "Seen you lookin', see one you fancy then?" says the farmer.
"Well....." says the Welshman, at which the farmer says,
"Give me a tenner and you can go help yourself" So the Welshman gives him a tenner, jumps the fence and starts pulling at the sheeps wool furiously, pulling great clumps of it out as the startled animal bleats and tries to get away! "What do you think you're doing?!!" calls the farmer.
The Welshman replies, "Well if I'm paying a tenner I at least want to get her naked first!"
I've just been on one of those coach mystery tours.
To pass away the time, we had a competition to see who could guess where we were going.
The bloody driver won.
A Zulu walking through the jungle comes across a pygmy standing over a dead lion.
"Did you kill that lion?" asks the Zulu.
"Yeah, I beat it to death with my club," the pygmy replies.
"Crikey, you must have a big club," says the Zulu.
"Aye, there's about thirty of us."
What's the difference between Bigfoot and a hard working Scouser?
Bigfoot has actually been spotted.
Doctor: "I'm sorry to have to inform you that you've only got about 3 minutes to live."
Me: "What - oh sh*t - 3 minutes - wait - isn't there anything you can do for me Doc?"
Doctor: "Hmmm - I might be able to boil you an egg."
I was at my mate's house when his wife asked, "Do I have anything on my cheeks?" to which, he responded, "Which cheeks?" She gave a cheeky smile and a giggle, and it looked like he was going to get laid that night.
I tried a similar thing, and for some reason didn't get laid...
My wife happened to ask, "Do I have anything on my chin?" to which I responded, "Which chin?"
How do you fit 5 Big Brother contestants in a mini?
2 in the front, 2 in the back and Jade Goody in the ashtray!
And finally...
One Christmas Eve, a frenzied young man ran into a pet shop looking for an unusual Christmas gift for his wife. The shop owner suggested a parrot, named Chet, which could sing famous Christmas carols. This seemed like the perfect gift. "How do I get him to sing?" The young man asked, excitedly. "Simply hold a lighted match directly under his feet." was the shop owner's reply.
The shop owner held a lighted match under the parrot's left foot. Chet began to sing: "Jingle Bells! Jingle Bells! ..." The shop owner then held another match under the parrot's right foot. Then Chet's tune changed, and the air was filled with: " Silent Night, Holy Night..."
The young man was so impressed that he paid the shop-keeper and ran home as quickly as he could with Chet under his arm. When the wife saw her gift she was overwhelmed.
"How beautiful!" She exclaimed, "Can he talk?" "No," the young man replied, "But he can sing. Let me show you." So the young man whipped out his lighter and placed it under Chet's left foot, as the shop-keeper had shown him, and Chet crooned: "Jingle Bells! Jingle bells!..." The man then moved the lighter to Chet's right foot, and out came: "Silent Night, Holy night..."
The wife, her face filled with curiosity, then asked, "What if we hold the lighter between his legs?" The man did not know. "Let's try it," he answered, eager to please his wife. So they held the lighter between Chet's legs. Chet twisted his face, cleared his throat, and the little parrot sang out loudly like it was the performance of his life...
"Chet's nuts roasting on an open fire...."
