Topic: Groaner thread

[Barra]

[Barra]

A neutron walks into a bar. He asks the bartender for a drink. When it's served, he asks how much it will be. "For you," the bartender answers,

 "no charge."

[Barra]

A man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he used to do. When the examination was complete, he said, "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me."

"Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're just lazy."

"Okay," said the man. "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife."

[Barra]

If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?

[Barra]

While cruising at 40,000 feet, the airplane shuddered. Mr. Jones looked out the window and screamed, "Oh No! One of the engines just blew up!"

Other passengers left their seats and came running over. Suddenly, the aircraft was rocked by a second blast as yet a second engine exploded. The passengers were in a panic now, and even the stewardesses couldn't maintain order.

Standing tall and smiling confidently, the pilot strode from the cockpit and assured everyone that there was nothing to worry about. His words and his demeanor seemed to calm most of the passengers, and they sat down as the pilot walked to the door of the aircraft. There, he grabbed several packages from under the seats and began handing them to the flight attendants. Each crew member attached the package to their backs.

"Say," spoke up an alert passenger, "aren't those parachutes?"

"Yep," affirmed the pilot.

"But I thought you said there was nothing to worry about?"

"There isn't," replied the pilot as a third engine exploded. "We're going to get help."

[Barra]

"Why do you take baths in milk?"
"I can't find a cow tall enough for a shower."

[Clive]

A German Shepherd went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote: "Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof."

The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog: "There are only nine words here. You could send another Woof for the same price."

"But," the dog replied, "that would make no sense at all."

[Simon]

Q. What happened to the agnostic, dyslexic, insomniac?


A. He lay awake every night, worrying if there is a Dog.

[Whiskas]

A policeman spots a woman driving and knitting at the same time. Driving up beside her, he shouts out the window... "Pull over!"

"No," she shouts back, "a pair of socks!"

[Whiskas]

Lost on a rainy night, a nun stumbles across a monastery
and requests shelter there. Fortunately, she's just in
time for dinner and was treated to the best fish and chips she had ever
tasted.

After dinner, she went into the kitchen to thank the
chefs. She was met by two of the Brothers. The first one
says, "Hello, I am Brother Michael, and this is Brother Charles."

"I'm very pleased to meet you," replies the nun. I just
wanted to thank you for a wonderful dinner. The fish and
chips were the best I've ever had! Out of curiosity, who cooked what?"

Brother Charles replied, "Well, I'm the fish friar."

She turned to the other Brother and said, "Then you must be...?"

"Yes, I'm afraid so--I am the chip monk."

[Whiskas]

A secretary goes into her boss' office and asks, "May I use your dictaphone?"
He replies, "No. Use your finger like everyone else."

[Simon]

   :kid:  That one's even older than Clive!!  

[Rodders]

Surely you exaggerate, Simon?  :kid2:

[Clive]

CHICAGO - The war on terrorism took a strange and sad turn Friday when airline officials at O'Hare International Airport refused to let a 73-year-old grandmother board her plane as she had in her possession two, six-inch knitting needles.

Apparently authorities were worried that she might knit an Afghan.

[Adept]

This is a groaner and a blonde joke

The Blonde Breaks Down

One day while driving along the Interstate, a blonde's car suddenly breaks down. She eases the car over onto the shoulder of the road and carefully steps out and opens the trunk.

Out jumps two men in trench coats who walk to the rear of the vehicle where they stand facing oncoming traffic and begin opening their coats and exposing themselves to approaching drivers. Not surprisingly, one of the worst chain-reaction traffic accidents in history of this highway occurs.

It's not very long before a police car shows up. The cop, clearly enraged, runs toward the blonde of the disabled vehicle yelling, "What is going on here?"

"My car broke down," says the blonde, calmly.

"Well, what are these perverts doing here by the road?!" asks the cop.

"Those are my emergency flashers!" she replied.