I suffered with a lazy eye as a child.
Unfortunately it's spread to the rest of my body.
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I was in prison and my cellmate told me to look out for 'one-eyed Bill'.
"Why?" I asked "Is he dangerous?"
He said "No. He keeps bumping into people".
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I must have an amazing rear end because every time I finish talking to someone and turn around to walk away, I hear them whisper, "What an arse"
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My wife is leaving me because because because because becaaaaaauuuse she thinks I'm obsessed with the Wizard of Oz.
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My wife's so fat we were sunbathing on the beach today and the Lifeguard came over and said to her.."Excuse me Miss, could you move, the tides waiting to come in".
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Apparently, a lorry carrying Vicks has overturned on the M6, spreading Vicks all over the road.
In spite of this, there was absolutely no congestion for 3 days.
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I'm fed up with girls having to talk all the time. The one I met last night was even talking during sex.
She kept saying things like "Help!" and "Get off me!"
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Archeologists digging under a pyramid in Egypt have discovered a new mummy, always exciting times, however this one is covered in chocolate and nuts It is believed to be Pharoah Rocher!
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My new Thai girlfirend said: "A small penis shouldn't be a problem in a loving relationship."
I still wish she didn't have one.
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I walked into my local florist today.
"I'll have the biggest bunch of flowers you have."
"Ooh, who's the lucky lady?" asked the assistant.
"It's my wife", I replied, "she's not feeling well."
"Oh dear. What is it?"
"Hay fever."
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I had my male to female sex change done last week and I'd say it was a success.
I'm still trying to reverse out of the NHS car park.
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I'm hosting a charity event for people who struggle to reach orgasm.
If you can't come let me know.
