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Author Topic: Groaner thread  (Read 199030 times)

Offline Clive

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Re: Groaner thread
« Reply #855 on: July 09, 2015, 09:23 »
 :smirks:

Offline Den

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Re: Groaner thread
« Reply #856 on: July 29, 2015, 13:02 »
A fat girl served me in McDonald’s at lunch time.

She said ‘sorry about the wait.’

I said ‘don’t worry fatty, do some exercises and you’re bound to lose it eventually. ‘
Fourth in the 2018 Quiz of the Year but at least I beat Clive.

Offline Simon

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Re: Groaner thread
« Reply #857 on: July 29, 2015, 13:23 »
:groan:
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Offline Clive

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Re: Groaner thread
« Reply #858 on: July 29, 2015, 16:52 »
 ::)

Offline Clive

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Re: Groaner thread
« Reply #859 on: July 31, 2015, 21:20 »

A bit long - but . . . . . .
     
John Hill  and his new wife Bev were vacationing in  Europe.....as it  happens, near Transylvania . They were driving  in a  rental car along a rather deserted  highway.  It was late and raining very hard. John could  barely see the road in  front of the car.  Suddenly, the car skids  out of control! John  attempts to control  the car, but to no avail!  The car swerves  and smashes into a tree. 
Moments  later, John shakes his head to clear  the fog.  Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees  his  wife unconscious, with her head  bleeding!  Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, John knows he has to get her  medical  assistance.
John carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road. After a short while, he sees a light. He heads towards the light, which is coming from a large, old house. He approaches the door and  knocks.
A  minute passes. A small,  hunched man opens  the  door. John immediately blurts,  "Hello, my name is John Hill, and this is my wife Bev.  We've been in a terrible accident,  and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone?"
"I'm sorry," replied  the hunchback, "but we don't have a phone. My master is a doctor; come in, and I will get him!"
John brings his wife in.
An older  man comes down  the stairs.   "I'm afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am not  a medical doctor; I am a scientist.  However, it  is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have  had a basic medical  training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory."

With  that, Igor picks up Bev and carries her downstairs, with John following closely.  Igor places Bev on a table  in the lab.  John collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor places John on an adjoining table.

After a  brief  examination, Igor's master  looks worried.   "Things are serious, Igor.   Prepare a transfusion."  Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail. John and Bev Hill are no more.

The  Hills' deaths upset  Igor's master greatly.  Wearily, he climbs the  steps to his  conservatory, which houses his grand piano. For it is here that he has always found solace.  He begins to play, and a stirring, almost  haunting melody fills the house.

Meanwhile,  Igor is still in the lab tidying up. His  eyes catch movement, and he notices the fingers on Bev's hand  twitch, keeping time to the haunting piano music. Stunned, he watches as John's arm begins to rise,  marking the beat!  He is further amazed as Bev and John both sit up straight!

Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory.

He bursts in and shouts to his master:

"Master, Master!......
  Scroll down.
You’re gonna kill me!!!
>
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>
>
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The Hills are alive with the sound of   music!"
(I am  soooooo  sorry.....but you really should've  seen that one coming!!)

Offline Simon

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Re: Groaner thread
« Reply #860 on: July 31, 2015, 22:01 »
I did.   ;D
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Offline Rodders

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Re: Groaner thread
« Reply #861 on: August 12, 2015, 21:18 »
A bloke's enjoying a pint at the bar when he hears a tiny voice saying, "That's a very nice shirt you're wearing tonight."  He looks around, then realizes no one is there.  He shrugs it off and continues drinking.

A couple minutes later he hears another tiny voice saying, "You look really handsome with your hair combed like that."  Once again he looks around, and once again realizes that nobody is talking to him.  So he calls the barman over and tells him about the voices.

The barman asks what the voices are saying, then tells him, "Oh, no need to worry.  That'll be the peanuts -- they're complimentary."

Offline Simon

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Re: Groaner thread
« Reply #862 on: August 12, 2015, 22:06 »
Noo!!  :out:  :laugh:
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Offline Clive

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Re: Groaner thread
« Reply #863 on: August 13, 2015, 10:39 »
 :laugh:

Offline Clive

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Re: Groaner thread
« Reply #864 on: August 13, 2015, 10:40 »
A duck walked into a bakery one day and asked for a pork chop.
The baker said, "We aren't a butcher; we don't sell meat here."
So the duck left.
The following day the duck went back and asked again.
This time the Baker said, "No, if you come here again I will nail your feet
to the floor."
The following day the duck returned and asked, "Have you any nails?"
The baker replied, "No." And the duck said, "Well, I'll have two pork chops then.

Offline Simon

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Re: Groaner thread
« Reply #865 on: August 13, 2015, 12:52 »
 ;D
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Offline Rodders

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Re: Groaner thread
« Reply #866 on: December 21, 2015, 16:16 »
Dracula is walking down the road one day, when suddenly a ton of smoked salmon sandwiches, bridge rolls, pitted olives, chicken wings, chipolatas, tomato salad, pizza slices and potato chips, all smothered in garlic, falls from a great height and knocks him to the ground.

"Oh, no!" he gasps with his dying breath...



































"It's buffet the Vampire Slayer!"   

Offline Simon

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Re: Groaner thread
« Reply #867 on: December 21, 2015, 17:11 »
:aarrgh:
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Offline pctech

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Re: Groaner thread
« Reply #868 on: December 21, 2015, 20:29 »
What do they call the person whose job it is to wake up the Dalai Lama?

The Dalai Alarmer of course.
Mitch

Offline Clive

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Re: Groaner thread
« Reply #869 on: December 21, 2015, 22:36 »
 :aarrgh:


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