Topic: Groaner thread

[GillE]

Q. Two chavs jump off a cliff, who wins?
A. Society.

Q. What does a chav girl use as protection during sex?
A. Bus shelter.

Q. What do you call a 30 year old chav girl?
A. Granny.

Q. What do you call a chav in a box?
A. Innit.

Q. What do you call a chav in a filing cabinet?
A. Sorted.

Q. What do you say to a chav in a suit?
A. "Will the defendant please rise"

Q. Why did the chav cross the road?
A. To start a fight with a complete stranger for no reason what so ever.

Q. What do you call a chav girl in a white tracksuit?
A. The bride.

Q. If you're driving and see a chav on a bike why should you try not to hit
him?
A. It might be your bike.

Q. What's the first question during a chav quiz night?
A. What you looking at.

Q. Why are chavs like slinkey's?
A. They have no real use but it's great to watch one fall down a flight of
stairs

Q. Two chavs in a car without any music, who's driving?
A. The policeman!

Q. How do you get a hundred chavs in a phonebox?
A. Paint 3 stripes on it.

Q. What do you call a hundred chavs at the bottom of the river?
A. A start.

Q. Where do you take a chav girl for a decent night out?
A. Up the ar*e.

Q. Why is 3 chavs going over a cliff in a nova a shame?
A. Because a nova has 4 seats.

Q. What do you call a chav with 9 gcse's?
A. A liar.

Q. What do you say to a chav with a job?
A. Bigmac please.

Q. What's the difference between a chav boy and a chav girl?
A. A chav girl has a higher spe*m count.

[Simon]

[Clive]

Absolutely brilliant Gill!  Not sure I understand Q. How do you get a hundred chavs in a phonebox? A. Paint 3 stripes on it.  though.

[Serenity]

 

[Rodders]

...Not sure I understand Q. How do you get a hundred chavs in a phonebox? A. Paint 3 stripes on it.  though.

All will be revealed here, Clive.  Note that you're unlikely to find any winklepickers and drapes there.   

[Clive]

  Rod!   

[Camstop]

God Said, Adam I Want you to do
Something for me."



Adam said, "Gladly, Lord, what do You want me to
do?"










God said, "Go down into that valley."







Adam said, "What's a valley?"






God explained it to him.






Then God said, "Cross the river."









Adam said, "What's a river?"!










God explained that to him, and then said, "Go over to the hill......."







Adam said, "What is a hill?"
















So, God explained to Adam what a hill was.










He told Adam, "On the other side of the hill you will find a cave"













Adam said, "What's a cave?"















! After God explained, he said, "In the cave you will find a Woman."












Adam said, "What's a woman?"











So God explained that to him, too.










Then, God said, "I want you to reproduce."











Adam said, "How do I do that?"















God first said (under his breath), "Geez....."!
And then, just like everything else, God explained that to Adam, as well.







So, Adam goes down into the valley, across the river, and over the hill, into the cave, and finds the woman.

















Then, in about five minutes, he was back.











God, his patience wearing thin, said angrily, "What is it now?"


And Adam said


*
YOUR GOING TO LOVE THIS !!!!!!








*














*










*







*



*



"What's a headache?"
__________________

[mistybear]

 

[Clive]

Groaners
I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

Police were called to a daycare where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.

To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.

The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.

Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.

We'll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply.

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U C L A.

The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it.

The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.

The dead batteries were given out free of charge.

If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.

A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.

What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway)

A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.

Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.

A backward poet writes inverse.

In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.

A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.

If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.

With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A -flat miner.

When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.

A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France, resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.

You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

A calendar's days are numbered.

A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine.

A boiled egg is hard to beat.

He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

A plateau is a high form of flattery.

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

Acupuncture: a jab well done.

[Camstop]

One day in the jungle a chimpanzee invented some tools to eat his dinner. One tool was a flat stick sharpened along one edge, this he used to cut his food.

The other was a stick with four smaller sticks attached to the end each sharpened to a point. He used to spear his food and place it in his mouth.

The chimp was very proud of his inventions which he called his one point tool and his four point tool. One day he awoke to find that the four point tool was missing. The chimp was distraught. He ran around the jungle trying to find his precious tool.

First he came upon the lion. "Lion, Lion!" he cried, "Have you seen my four point tool?"

"No." Replied the lion, "I have not seen your four point tool."

Then the chimp came upon the gorilla. "Gorilla, Gorilla!" he cried, "Have you seen my four point tool?"

"No." Replied the gorilla, "I have not seen your four point tool."

Then the chimp came upon the jaguar. "Jaguar, Jaguar!" he cried, "Have you seen my four point tool?"

"Yup!" replied the jaguar, "I've seen your four point tool."

"Well where is it?" inquired the chimp.

"I ate it." Said the jaguar, smugly.

"Why would you do that?" Cried the chimp.

"Because," replied the big cat, "I'm a four point tool eater jaguar!"

 

[Simon]

[Simon]

Four fonts walk into a bar.

Barman says: "Oi! Get out! We don't want your type in here!"









What?   

[mistybear]

 

[Simon]

An American fighter pilot was flying his F16 aircraft over Afghanistan, when he noticed a flying carpet on his left hand side, manned by a man with a machine gun.

He looked to his right and saw another carpet alongside, also manned by a man with a machine gun. He thought ' I've got to get out of this', so he accelerated flat out and put his plane into a high speed loop and came up behind both carpets, which he shot down.

On arriving back at his Aircraft Carrier, he was told to report to the captain immediately. 'You idiot!' said the captain. 'We saw what you did on radar and now we're in a load of trouble'.

'What do you mean?' said the pilot, 'I shot both carpets down!'

'I know that!' said the captain, 'but they were Allied Carpets! 

[mistybear]

Zebediah sold fertilized eggs. He had ten roosters whose job it was to fertilize the eggs laid by several hundred young pullets.

Zeb kept records and any rooster that didn't perform became dinner and was replaced by one who would.

Updating his database took a lot of time so Zeb attached a tiny bell with a unique tone to each rooster so he could tell from a distance which rooster was performing.

One day Zeb noticed that his favorite rooster, Old Butch, was slacking off. His bell hadn't rung at all!

When Zeb investigated, he found the other roosters were having a tough time catching pullets with their bells ringing, but, to Zeb's amazement, Old Butch held his bell in his beak to keep it silent while he surprised a pullet, making him much more successful.

Zeb was so proud of Old Butch's ingenuity that he entered him in the local county fair where the judges awarded him not only the "No Bell Piece Prize," but also the "Pullet Surprise!"