Best Mate.
A man brings his best golf mate home, unannounced, for dinner at 6:30, after golf.
His wife screams her head off while his friend sits open mouthed and listens to the tirade...
"My hair & makeup are not done, the house is a f****** mess, the dishes aren't done.
Can't you see I'm still in my f****** pyjamas and I can't be bothered with cooking tonight!
Why the f***** did you bring him home unannounced you stupid idiot?"
"Because he's thinking of getting married."
Business Man in 1st Class, to a Sexy Gorgeous Air Hostess:
Man: What is your name?
Hostess: Angela Benz, Sir!
Man: Lovely name, any relation to Mercedes Benz?
Hostess: Yes Sir, very close.
Man: How close?
Hostess: Same price!
Jewish Mother
The year is 2016 and the United States has elected the first woman as well as the first Jewish president, Susan Goldfarb.
She calls up her mother a few weeks after election day and says, 'So, Mom, I assume you'll be coming to my inauguration?'
'I don't think so. It's a ten hour drive, your father isn't as young as he used to be and my arthritis is acting up again.
'Don't worry about it Mom, I'll send Air Force One to pick you up and take you home. And a limousine will pick you up at your door.'
I don't know. Everybody will be so fancy-schmaltzy; what on earth would I wear?'
Susan replies, 'I'll make sure you have a wonderful gown custom made by the best designer in New York.'
'Honey,' Mom complains, 'you know I can't eat those rich foods you and your friends like to eat.'
The President Elect responds, 'Don't worry Mom. The entire affair is going to be handled by the best caterer in New York, kosher all the way. Mom, I really want you to come.'
So Mom reluctantly agrees and on January 20, 2017, Susan Goldfarb is being sworn in as President of the United States.
In the front row sits the new President's mother, who leans over to a senator sitting next to her and says, 'You see that woman over there with her hand on the Torah, becoming President of the United States?
The Senator whispers back, 'Yes I do.'
Mom says proudly, "Her brother is a doctor".
Italian Mother:
Giuseppe excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and that he is going to get married.
He says, 'Just for fun, Mama, I'm going to bring over three women and you try to guess which one I'm going to marry.'
The mother agrees.
The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house, sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while.
He then says, 'Okay, Mama, guess which one I'm going to marry?'
Mama says immediately, 'The one on the right.'
'That's amazing, Mama. You're right. How did you know?'
Mama replies: 'I don't like her.'
Topic: Laughs (Read 497 times)