Wife's Revenge....
"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished
to purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a
television set in her purse.
"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and
I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."
Random Ideas:-
I'm not saying let's go kill all the stupid people. I'm just saying
let's remove all the warning labels and let the problem work itself out.
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I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much
faster now.
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You can tell a lot about a woman's mood just looking at her hands. If
they are holding a gun, she's probably angry.
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Gone are the days when girls used to cook like their mothers. Now they
drink like their fathers.
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You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like
someone? That's common sense leaving your body.
------------------------------------------------------------
I don't like making plans for the day because then the word
"premeditated" get's thrown around in the courtroom.
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I didn't make it to the gym today. That makes five years in a row
-------------------------------------------------------
I decided to change calling the bathroom the John and renamed it the Jim.
I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning
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Dear paranoid people who check behind shower curtains for murderers; if
you find one, what's your plan?
-------------------------
New Chevrolet
-------------------------
A fifteen year-old boy came home with a new Chevrolet Avalanche and his
parents began to yell and scream, "Where did you get that truck???!!!"
He calmly told them, "I bought it today."
"With what money?" demanded his parents. They knew what a Chevrolet
Avalanche costs."
"Well," said the boy, "this one cost me fifteen dollars."
So the parents began to yell even louder. "Who would sell a truck like
that for fifteen dollars?" they said.
"It was the lady up the street," said the boy. I don't know her
name-they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if
I wanted to buy a Chevrolet Avalanche for fifteen dollars."
"Oh my Goodness!," moaned the mother, "she must be a child abuser. Who
knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what's
going on." So the boy's father walked up the street to the house where
the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting petunias!
He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a
new Chevrolet Avalanche for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she
did it.
"Well," she said, "this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I
thought he was on a a coffee break, but learned from a friend he had ran
off to Hawaii with his mistress and really doesn't intend to come back.
He claimed he was stranded and asked me to sell his new Chevrolet
Avalanche and send him the money. So I did."
Two men were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and
Family values.
> Bill said, 'I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?'
> Larry replied, 'I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?'
>
> 'Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the divorce
Court Judge said, 'And I've decided to give your wife $1000 a week,'
> > 'That's very fair, your honour,' the husband said. 'And every now
and then I'll try to send her a few dollars myself.'
>
_______________________________
>
> Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder:
> > 1. The DNA all matches.
> > 2. There are no dental records.
>
> ___________________________________________
>
> A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, 'Can you tell me how long
it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City ?'
> > The agent replies, 'Just a minute.'
> > 'Thank you,' the blonde says, and hangs up.
>
> ___________________________________________
>
> Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.
> > 'How was he killed?' asked one detective.
> > 'With a golf gun,' the other detective replied.
> > 'A golf gun! What is a golf gun?'
> > 'I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.'
>
> ___________________________________________
>
> Moe: 'My wife got me to believe in religion.'
> > Joe: 'Really?'
> > Moe: 'Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in Hell.'
>
> ___________________________________________
>
> A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and
asks him how he is feeling.
> > I’m O. K. I didn't like the four letter-word the doctor used in
surgery,' he answered.
> > 'What did he say,' asked the nurse.
>
> Oops!'
> ================_______________
>
I FEEL SAFE AT HOME AT LAST!
I've torn out my alarm system & de-registered from the Neighbourhood
Watch.
I've got two Pakistani flags raised in my front garden, one at each
corner and the black flag of ISIS in the centre.
The local police, MI5 and other intelligence services are all watching
my house 24/7.
I've never felt safer.
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All Night Duty
-------------------------
A police officer, though scheduled for all-night duty at the
station, was relieved of duty early and arrived home four
hours ahead of schedule, at 2 in the morning. Not wanting
to wake his wife, he undressed in the dark, crept into the
bedroom and started to climb into bed. Just then, his wife
sleepily sat up and said, "Mike, dearest, would you go down
to the all-night drug store on the next block and get me
some aspirin? I've got a splitting headache."
"Certainly, honey," he said, and feeling his way across the
dark room, he got dressed and walked over to the drug
store.
As he arrived, the pharmacist looked up in surprise, "Say,"
said the druggist, "I know you - aren't you a policeman?
Officer Fenwick, right?"
"Yeah, so?" said the officer.
"Well what the heck are you doing all dressed like the Fire
Chief?"
Topic: Jokes Galore (Read 517 times)