In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but God, darkness, and some gas. The Bible says,'The Lord thy God is one,' but I think He must be a lot older than that. Anyway, God said, 'Give me a light!' and someone did. Then God made the world. He split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked, but they weren't embarrassed because mirrors hadn't been invented yet. Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were driven from the Garden of Eden .....Not sure what they were driven in though, because they didn't have cars. Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel. Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for Methuselah, who lived to be like a million or something. One of the next important people was Noah, who was a
good guy, but one of his kids was kind of a Ham. Noah built a large boat and put his family and some animals on it. He asked some other people to join him, but they said they would have to take a rain check. After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was more famous than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some pot roast. Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat. Another
important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was
Charlton Heston. Moses led the Israel Lights out of
Egypt and away from the evil Pharaoh after God
sent ten plagues on Pharaoh's people. These plagues
included frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable.
God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti.
Then he gave them His Top Ten Commandments.
These include: don't lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or
covet your neighbor's stuff. Oh, yeah, I just
thought of one more: Humor thy father and thy
mother. One of Moses' best helpers was Joshua
who was the first Bible guy to use spies. Joshua
fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell over
on the town. After Joshua came David. He got
to be king by killing a giant with a slingshot.
He had a son named Solomon who had about
300 wives and 500 porcupines. My teacher says
he was wise, but that doesn't sound very wise to me.
After Solomon there were a bunch of major league
prophets. One of these was Jonah, who was
swallowed by a big whale and then barfed up on the shore. There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we don't have to worry about them.
After the Old Testament came the New Testament.
Jesus is the star of The New Testament. He was
born in Bethlehem in a barn. (I wish I had been
born in a barn too, because my mom is always
saying to me, 'Close the door! Were you born
in a barn?' It would be nice to say, 'As a matter of
fact, I was.') During His life, Jesus had many
arguments with sinners like the Pharisees and the
Republicans. Jesus also had twelve opossums.The
worst one was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil
that they named a terrible vegetable after him.
Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards
and even preached to some Germans on the Mount.
But the Republicans and all those guys put Jesus
on trial before Pontius the Pilot. Pilot didn't stick
up for Jesus. He just washed his hands instead.
Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, then came back
to life again. He went up to Heaven but will be back
at the end of the Aluminum. His return is foretold
in the book of Revolution.
Topic: The Children's Bible in a Nutshell (Read 734 times)