Low Battery: A man saved his girlfriend's phone number on his mobile as 'Low Battery'. Whenever she calls him, in his absence, his wife takes the phone and plugs it into the charger. Give that man a medal.
Government Survey: A government survey has shown that 91 percent of illegal immigrants come to Australia so that they can see their own doctor.
Two Thai girls asked me if I'd like to go bed with them; they said it would be just like winning Lotto! I agreed, and they were right. We all stripped off, and to my horror, we had six matching balls!
Valentine's Day: Just booked a table for Valentine's Day for me and the wife. Bound to end in tears though; she's lousy at snooker.
If you get an email telling you that you can catch swine flu from tins of ham, delete it. It's spam.
And the best . . .
They say that sex is the best form of exercise. Correct me if I'm wrong, but I don't think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to shift this beer belly.