A man wakes up in hospital, bandaged from head to foot.
The doctor comes in and says "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. You probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the motorway. Now you're going to be OK, you'll walk again, but something happened. I'm trying to break this gently, but your penis was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it."
The bloke groans a bit and the doctor goes on "But it's going to be alright, we have the technology now to build you a new one that will work just as well as your old one did; better in fact. But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's one thousand pounds an inch".
The bloke perks up at this, even though it's one thousand pounds an inch.
"So the thing is" the doctor says, "it's for you to decide how many inches you want. It's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five-inch one before and you decide to go for a nine-incher she might be a bit overwhelmed. But if you had a nine-inch one before and you decide only to invest in a five-incher this time, she might be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a vital role in helping you make the decision."
The bloke agrees to talk with his wife. The following day the doctor comes back. "So", says the doctor, "Have you spoken with your wife?"
"I have," says the fellow.
"And has she helped you in making the decision?"
"She has," says the bloke.
"And what is it?" asks the doctor.
"We're having a new kitchen."