Three Tips for Living with a Woman.
(a Short, Random But Valuable List)
The author cannot be held responsible if any "man" reader attempts to utilize the information provided and finds his sorry butt sleeping on the couch.
We are all human beings, equal in the eyes of God and bill collection companies. We all talk, walk, think and dream. We may dress slightly different, our speech patterns might vary slightly, and each of has a different set of likes, dislikes, wants and needs. But basically, we are the same. Right?
Well, no, actually.
There are actually two very different kinds of human beings :
* Men
* Not Men but knows what's best for men(popularly referred to by the liberal media as "Women")
The basic purpose of this article is to assist the group classified as "Men" to understand ('recognize' probably is a better word and more realistic goal) the behaviors of the second group, "Not Men but knows what's best for men" (to be referred to as "women" , for brevities sake in the rest of this article). Used with caution, the three hints, information or warnings provided should help the Men with their relationship difficulties with the Women, and even possibly create an environment that could possibly lead to:
* A better relationship
* Less friction within the relationship
* Sex ...which is really the only reason men truly seek “a” and “b”.
Disclaimer: This author and anyone remotely connected with same, do NOT claim to have "figured out", "understand" or "have valuable insight" into the behavior of any woman now alive, deceased or imagined. This information is provided for amusement purposes ONLY and the author cannot be held responsible if any "man" reader attempts to utilize the information provided and finds his sorry ass sleeping on the couch, without sex for an extended period of time or having to accompany her to visit her mother as pennance for what ever it is that you did wrong that she won't tell you because you should know, she shouldn't have to explain it.
Three Tips for Living With a Woman (a short, random but valuable list)
Never Volunteer Information Unless
* You are prepared to discuss the subject intelligently and are able to describe by color, size, shape or brand any object mentioned in the information
* You know without doubt that you are in total agreement with your woman on anything about the subject that might arise
* You know or have memorized every single possible detail about the subject, including but not limited to....everything she has told you concerning the subject in the past, how you came to know the information you provided to her and why you did not provide the information sooner.
As a rule of thumb, never volunteer information period. If you slip, stay calm and attempt to not look any guiltier than she already knows you are (providing information that she did not know means you were somewhere she didn't know you were, or saw or spoke to someone she did not know you saw or spoke to, or performed some action, errand or task that she did not assign you.....why would you keep this from her if you weren't hiding something?) If possible answer all inquiries with yes, no or i don't know (or remember). Be careful using the third one to many times, she will interpret this as you do not WANT to tell her.
An important caveat to this general rule. If you see, talk to or are seen by one of her friends (it does not have to be a close friend and can be someone she says negative things about) you must call her and tell her this occurred as soon as you have access to a phone. If it takes longer than 5 minutes, the friend will have already spoken to her and will have managed to tell her where you were, who you were with and what you were doing, and made it sound as if you were Pan, frolicking with naked maidens in a swimming pool filled with Jell-O shots.
Tell The Truth With One Exception
Generally in life, lying has painful consequences. Very few lies stand the test of time, and if you're lying, even inconsequential stuff to avoid arguments or you just don't feel like telling the whole story, even these lies will eventually break down and at best, you'll look like an idiot and if she hangs around, she won't trust you out of her sight. Women do not trust you to begin with and they give the trust almost grudgingly, but once you've earned a woman's trust, it is given to you almost unconditionally. Lose it, and it never really comes back.
Besides, if you're lying to her all the time for whatever reason, YOU ARE A SCUMBAG. I'm guessing that that is not how you see yourself, but if you are not telling your woman the truth about stuff for any reason, then that is exactly what you are. Your friends that know think so, even if they are not telling you to your face. And once you are discovered, and you will be, everyone will see you as a scumbag. And everyone will be right.
If however she asks you how she looks.....in any form......you tell her she looks beautiful, she looks incredible, she is hot. It might be the truth, but if it's not.....LIE. There is absolutely NO circumstance where telling her that her butt in those leather pants looks so big that you're afraid cows are now on the endangered species list. Don't let her trick you. She will say things like, "tell me the truth, you're the only person I can trust" and "if you don't tell me the truth how am I going to know what I need to work on" Don't be fooled. If the truth is negative, she does not want the truth. She will deny this. That is a trick also. Don't preface your answers or add qualifiers . Plain simple language directly to the point of her question. And for goodness sake, don't hesitate.....don't stop and think first. After a hesitation, NOTHING you say will save you.
(NOTE: If she asks your opinion on any article of clothing or accessory tell her exactly what you think. She doesn't really care, and will do or wear whatever she wants to anyhow. She is just testing to see if you care about her....... "you want me to look good, don't you" Yes, you do. So answer her question, and actually LOOK AT HER when you answer)
You Cannot Win An Argument
First, let me restate the fact, and give an example, then I'll explain.
Men. You cannot win an argument with your woman, and if you do, you will lose much much worse.
Example: You are having an argument with her about whether or not Brad Pitt is gay. You KNOW he is, anyone that pretty is always gay. She disagrees. You overwhelm her with anecdote, facts and figures off the top of your head, examples and irrefutable logic. You can see and hear her frustration with your brilliance. You know you have won when she says, "You can be such an a-hole sometimes." A little victory dance and some gloating and the entire thing is gone from your mind....forever. Three months later. You haven't had sex for three months. You haven't seen hide nor hair of your favorite brand of potato chips in three months either. Your closet has been rearranged and you can't find any of your best Motley Crue t-shirts. You have no idea what is going on. Then, suddenly she shows up in that Fredericks of Hollywood thingy you bought her for Valentine's Day two years ago. She told you the drier tore it up. You don't care anymore. You embrace. You have never been this horny. She kisses your neck and whispers softly in your ear, "Still think Brad Pitt is gay?"
You lost. Winning was just illusion. Face it quickly before that Fredericks of Hollywood thingy ends up in the drier again.
Men, you can have a heated argument and not even recall what it was about the next morning. She will be able to tell you EVERYTHING you said during the argument 15 years from now.
A friend of mine told me that his Father-in-law pulled him aside at the wedding and gave him this advice. Pick one thing, maybe two that are yours, that she cannot make decisions on or control your time with....say Golf and grilling steaks. You are the KING of those two things and fight for them to the death. EVERYTHING else give in on. It will save you much aggravation and suffering. You'll end up at the same place regardless. Do yourself a favor.
Men, do what you will with all of this sage advice. You will always have the choice. And being single at 49 years old is not so bad. I've got to go, the microwave timer went off. My salisbury steak TV dinner is done. Mmm- mmm.
Topic: Three Tips for Living with a Woman (a Short, Random But Valuable List) (Read 1086 times)