Topic: Jokes

[Clive]

Two men were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and Family values.
>
> Bill said, 'I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?'
>
> Larry replied, 'I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?'
>
>
> A little boy went up to his father and asked: 'Dad, where did my intelligence come from?'
>
> The father replied. 'Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine.'
>
> ___________________________________________
>
> 'Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the divorce Court Judge said, 'And I've decided to give your wife $1000 a week,'
>
> 'That's very fair, your honour,' the husband said. 'And every now and then I'll try to send her a few dollars myself.'
>
> A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said,
'I don't like the looks of your wife at all.'
>
> 'Me neither doc,' said the husband. 'But she's a great cook and really good with the kids.'
>
> ___________________________________________
>
> An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
>
> The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.'
>
> The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.'
>
> ___________________________________________
>
> Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder:
>
> 1. The DNA all matches.
>
> 2. There are no dental records.
>
> ___________________________________________
>
> A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, 'Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City ?'
>
> The agent replies, 'Just a minute.'
>
> 'Thank you,' the blonde says, and hangs up.
>
> ___________________________________________
>
> Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.
>
> 'How was he killed?' asked one detective.
>
> 'With a golf gun,' the other detective replied.
>
> 'A golf gun! What is a golf gun?'
>
> 'I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.'
>
> ___________________________________________
>
> Moe: 'My wife got me to believe in religion.'
>
> Joe: 'Really?'
>
> Moe: 'Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in Hell.'
>
> ___________________________________________
>
> A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and asks him how he is feeling.
>
> I’m O. K. I didn't like the four letter-word the doctor used in surgery,' he answered.
>
> 'What did he say,' asked the nurse.
>
> Oops!'
> ====================================================================
> While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits.
It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice.
>
> 'What do you think?' I asked. 'Should I get a two piece or an all-in-one?'
>
> 'Better get the two piece,' he replied. 'You'd never get it all in one.'
>
> He's still in intensive care.
> ___________________________________________
>
> The graveside service just barely finished, when there was massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance.
>
> The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, 'Well, she's there'.
=======================================================================

[Simon]