Topic: Always good to cheer one up

[Clive]

   
Mick says to Paddy: "Close your curtains the next time you're makin love to your wife. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday."
Paddy says: "Well the joke's on them stupid b*****ds because I wasn't even home yesterday."
   
 
Paddy & Mick find three grenades, so they take them to a police station.
Mick: "What if one explodes before we get there?" 
Paddy: "We'll lie and say we only found two."
   
 
Paddy goes to the vet with his goldfish. "I think it's got epilepsy" he tells the vet.
Vet takes a look and says "It seems calm enough to me".
Paddy says, "I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet".
   
 
Paddy spies a letter lying on his doormat. It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND ".
Paddy spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick the bloody thing up.
   
 
Paddy was driving home, drunk as a skunk, suddenly he has to swerve to avoid a tree, then another, then another. A cop car pulls him over as he veers about all over the road. Paddy tells the cop about all the trees in the road. Cop says "For god's sake Paddy, that's your air freshener swinging about!"
   
 
An old Irish farmer's dog goes missing and he's inconsolable. His wife says "Why don't you put an advert in the paper?" 
He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing.
"What did you put in the paper?" his wife asks.
"Here boy!" he replies.
   
 
Paddy's in jail. Guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet. "What the hell you doing?" he asks.
"Hanging myself" Paddy replies.
"It should be around your neck" says the Guard. 
"I know" says Paddy "but I couldn't breathe".
   
 
An answer I can understand….. An American tourist asks an Irishman: "Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?" 
To which the Irishman replies: "If they fell forwards, they'd still be in the bloody boat."
   
 
Question - Why are Irish jokes so simple?
Answer - So the English can understand them.
   
 
Murphy told Quinn that his wife was driving him to drink.
Quinn told him that he's very lucky, because his own wife makes him walk.
   
 
Reilly went to trial for armed robbery. The jury foreman came out and announced, 'Not guilty.' 
'That's grand!' shouted Reilly. 'Does that mean I can keep the money?'
   
 
Mrs. Feeney shouted from the kitchen, 'Is that you I hear spittin' in the vase on the mantelpiece?' 
'No,' said himself, 'but I'm gettin' closer all the time.'
   
 
Finnegan: My wife has a terrible habit of staying up 'til two o'clock in the morning. I can't break her out of it.
Keenan: What on earth is she doin' at that time?
Finnegan: Waitin' for me to come home.
   
 
Did you hear about the Irish newlyweds who sat up all night on their honeymoon waiting for their sexual relations to arrive?
   
 
My mother wanted me to be a priest. Can you imagine giving up your sex life and then once a week people come in to tell you the details and highlights of theirs?
 
 
 
 

[Simon]