A blonde teenage girl comes home from school and asks her mother, "Is it true what Rita just told me ..... Babies come out of the same place where boys put their thingies?"
"Yes, dear." Replies her mother, pleased that the subject had finally come up, and she wouldn't have to explain it in detail to her daughter.
"But then when I have a baby," responded the blonde teenager, "won't it knock my teeth out?"
A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls, and sat down next to a beautiful, you guessed it, blonde.
The blonde kept looking quizzically at him and his bulging pockets. Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls."
Never-the-less, the blonde continued to look at him thoughtfully and finally, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, asked;
"Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"
A redhead visited her doctor and told him that her body hurt where ever she touched it.
"Impossible" said the doctor. "Show me!"
She stuck out her forefinger and prodded her elbow and screamed in agony. She prodded her knee and screamed, she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor asked, "You're not really a redhead, are you"
"No" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."
"I thought so," the doctor said....."Your finger is broken."
A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some bum deodorant.
The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman that they don't sell bum deodorant, and never have.
Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis, and would like some more.
"I'm sorry," says the pharmacist, "we don't have any."
"But I always get it here," says the blonde.
"Do you have the container it comes in?"
"Yes!" said the blonde, "I'll go home and get it."
She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at it and says to her, "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant."
The annoyed blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container,
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"To apply, push up bottom.
> > Subject: Irish, Italian and french Making Love
There's an Italian, a Frenchman and an Irishman: The Italian says, When I have a-finished makina love with my girl-a-friend, I go down and gently tickle the back of her knees. She floatsa 6 inches abova da bed in ecstasy.
The Frenchman replies, Zat is nothing, when Ah 'ave finished making Ze love with ze girlfriend Ah kiss all ze way down her body and zen Ah lick ze soles of her feet wiz mah tongue and she floats 12 inches above ze bed in pure ecstasy.
The Irishman says, Dat's nottin'. When Oi've finished shaggin' Me bord,get out of da bed, walk over to d' window and wipe me knob on the curtain. She hits the fockin' roof.
A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"
The shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?"
She, in turn blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice, "I don't fink my pet python weally gives a thit."
Two builders (Chris and James) are seated either side of a table in a rough pub when a well dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar.
The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit....
Chris: - I reckon he's an accountant
James: - No-way - he's a stockbroker
Chris: - He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!
The argument continues repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the better of Chris and he makes for the toilet.
On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at the urinal.
Curiosity and the several beers get the better of the builder....
Chris: - Scuse me ... no offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering what you do for a living?
Suit: - No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession!
Chris: - Oh! What's that then?
Suit: - I'll try to explain by example.. Do you have a goldfish at home?
Chris: - Er... mmm ... well yeah, I do as it happens!
Suit: - Well it's logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or a pond. Which is it?
Chris: - It's in a pond!
Suit: - Well then it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden then?
Chris: - As it happens, yes I've got a big garden!
Suit: - Well then it's logical to assume that in this town if you have a large garden then you have a large house?
Chris: - As it happens I've got a five-bedroom house... built it myself!
Suit: - Well given that you've built a five-bedroom house it is logical to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are quite probably married?
Chris:- Yes I am married, I live with my wife and three children!
Suit: - Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife on a regular basis?
Chris: - Yep! Four nights a week!
Suit: - Well then it is logical to suggest that you do not masturbate very often?
Chris: - Me? Never
Suit: - Well there you are! That's logical science at work!
Chris: - How's that then?
Suit: - Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you about your sex life!
Chris: - I see... that's pretty impressive.. Thanks mate!
James: - I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?
Chris: - Yep! He's a logical scientist!
James: - What's that then?
Chris: - I'll try to explain. Do you have a goldfish?
James: - Nope
Chris: - Well then, you're a ******
A man was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood" was mangled and torn
from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give
him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery,
since it was considered cosmetic.
The doctor said that the cost would be $3,500 for "small," $6,500 for
"medium," and $14,000 for "large." The man was sure he would want a
medium or large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife
before he made any decision.
The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options. The
doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking quite
dejected. "Well, what have the two of you decided?" asked the doctor.
The man answered, "She'd rather remodel the kitchen."
Dave walks into the bar and sees his mate Jeff huddled over a table, depressed. Dave walks over and asks Jeff what's wrong.
'Well,' replies Jeff. 'You know that beautiful girl at work I wanted to ask out, but couldn't because I got an erection every time I saw her?'
'Yes,' replies Dave with a smile.
'Well,' says Jeff, straightening up. 'I finally plucked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed.'
'That's great!' says Dave. 'When's the date?'
'I went to meet her this evening,' continues Jeff. 'But because I was worried I'd get an erection again, I got some sticky tape and taped my todger to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show.'
'Sensible,' says Dave.
'So I got to her door,' says Jeff, 'and I rang her doorbell. And she answered in the sheerest, tiniest dress you ever saw.'
'What happened then?' asks Dave.
Jeff huddles over the table again.
'I kicked her in the face.'
A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of lager and a ham sandwich. The landlord looks at him and says, "But you're a duck."
"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.
"And you talk!" exclaims the landlord.
"I see your ears are working," says the duck, "Now can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"
"Certainly," says the landlord, "sorry about that, it's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?"
"I'm working on the building site across the road," explains the duck.
Then the duck drinks his beer, eats his sandwich and leaves.
This continues for 2 weeks.
One day, the circus comes to town. The ringmaster of the circus comes into the pub and the landlord says to him, "You're with the circus aren't you? I know this duck that would be just brilliant in your circus, he talks, drinks beer and everything!".
"Sounds marvellous" says the ringmaster, "get him to give me a call."
So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the landlord says, "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money!"
"Yeah?" says the duck, "Sounds great, where is it?"
"At the circus" says the landlord.
"The circus?" the duck enquires.
"That's right" replies the landlord.
"The circus? That place with the big tent and all those animals? With the big canvas roof with the hole in the middle?" asks the duck.
"That's right!" says the landlord.
The duck, confused, replies, "But what the hell do they want with a plasterer?"
Topic: Some Jokes (Read 1974 times)