Scene: The Post Office.
When: The not-too-distant future...
Customer: Hello, I'd like to renew my car tax.
Post Office: Certainly sir. Would you like to speed things up by using your new identity card?
Customer: Why yes, that would seem to be a jolly fine idea.
PO: Let me just rub it on my jumper and swipe it. Is this the tax on the clapped-out Astra?
Customer: Yes.
PO: Bit of trouble with the MOT this year I see. Jesus that wasn't cheap! Still, at least the speeding points come off your licence in August - that's something to look forward to. Bloody hell, that Magistrate really hammered you didn't he? Probably took exception to that membership of the Young Communists back in your student days. Six months or twelve?
Customer: I was only in the party for four months...
PO: Not according to this. Actually, I meant the car tax.
Customer: Oh right. Twelve.
PO: How would you like to pay?
Customer: Barclayard.
PO: No, you're up to your limit on that, what about the Capital One Card?
Customer: I don't have one.
PO: Says here you do... oh hang on... no the bloke using that is in Glasgow at the moment buying DVD players. He's run up quite a bill for you there mate. Try the Switch card.
Customer: Here you go.
PO: No, something wrong here, won't let me complete the transaction. Let's have a look... ah... yes... your TV licence has expired. Are you going to pay that too?
Customer: Well, I thought I would leave it till next month.
PO: On your head be it. Do you want some Euros while we're at it? Two weeks in Marbella, eh, you lucky devil. I see you're flying BA. Good choice.
Customer: Er, yes I'll do that now. Give me 500 in mixed notes.
PO: It'll have to be 200 I'm afraid. The car tax has taken a bite out of your funds and your monthly ID card purchase fee direct debit is due out of the account tomorrow. Right, there you go. Have a nice day sir.
[ Later ... Tesco checkout]
Customer: Hello, can you sell me a one-month travel insurance policy?
Tesco: Yes sir, let me have your ID card... Thanks. Do you have any current health problems?
Customer: No, nothing.
Tesco: You sure, sir?
Customer: Yes, why?
Tesco: Well it says here you were at the doctor's last week.
Customer: Oh, that was nothing serious.
Tesco: Let me just... Oh yes, touch of the old Farmer Giles... No that wont be a problem. Probably sitting on cheap charter flight seats that's to blame. I see you're going British Airways this time around, though. Very wise. Oops, pressed the wrong button. [Picture of Customer's hideously empiled bottom appears on every plasma screen in the shop, accompanied by name, address, telephone number and email address].
Old lady in queue: Oooh they look sore dear. Have you tried Anusol?
Tesco: I see your car had a bit of a struggle with the MOT. Garage not keen on Communists?
Customer: Can we just do the travel insurance, and these frozen peas?
Tesco: Peas? Shall I just check that you don't have a genetic predisposition to pea allergy? It'll only take a minute to scan your genome... I understand. You're in a bit of a hurry. Very good sir. Next please.
[Later again ... At the Bank]
Customer: Hello, I'd like to open a deposit account please.
Bank Clerk: Can I see your ID?
Customer: Do I have to?
BC: Yes. It will speed things up and prevent identity theft while ensuring that only those entitled to state benefits receive them. And it will prevent all forms of terrorism, everywhere, for ever.
Customer: Yes of course. Here you go...
BC: Right Sir, how may I help? Would you like a cushion?
Customer: Sorry?
BC: Oh, I just thought... the frozen peas helped then?
Customer: Can we just do the bank account?
BC: Of course sir. Right, you already have a current account with us but your holiday funds pretty well put paid to that until payday. Hmmm... Oh dear this Capital One Account is all over the place and your Barclaycard is at the limit...
Topic: Identity cards... (Read 667 times)