Topic: Liverpool

[Clive]

I just don't know how Liverpool managed to become European city of
culture this year, unless all the committee are Beatles fans. Else the
rationale totally eludes me!

However, what is even less well known, is that Liverpool also planned to
submit a bid to host the Olympics!!

In an attempt to influence the members of the international Olympic
committee on their choice of venue for the games in the year 2016, the
organisers of Liverpool's bid have already drawn up an itinerary and
schedule of events.  A copy has been leaked and is reproduced below.

OPENING CEREMONY
A petrol bomb thrown by a native of the city (preferably from the
Toxteth area), wearing the traditional balaclava will ignite the Olympic
flame.  The flame will be contained in a large chip van situated on the
roof of the stadium.

THE EVENTS
In previous Olympic games, Liverpool's competitors have not been
particularly successful.  In order to redress the balance, some of the
events have been altered slightly to the advantage of local 'Liverpool'
athletes.

100 METRES SPRINT
Competitors will have to hold a video recorder and microwave oven (one
in each arm) and on the sound of the starting pistol, a police dog will
be released from a cage 10 yards behind the athletes.

110 METRES HURDLES
As above but with added obstacles (e.g. car bonnets, hedges, gardens,
fences, walls etc.)

HAMMER
Competitors in this event may choose the type of hammer they wish to use
(claw, sledge etc.) the winner will be the one who can cause the most
grievous bodily harm to members of the public within the time allowed.

FENCING
Entrants will be asked to dispose of as much stolen silver and jewellery
as possible in 5 mins.

SHOOTING
A strong challenge is expected from the local men in this event. The
first target will be a moving police van.  In the second round,
competitors will aim at a post office clerk bank teller or Securicor
style wages delivery man.

BOXING
Entry to the boxing will be restricted to husband and wife teams, and
will take place on a Friday night.  The husband will be given 15 pints
of lager while the wife will be told not to make him any tea when he
gets home.  The bout will then commence.

CYCLING TIME TRIALS
Competitors will be asked to break into the University bike shed and
take an expensive mountain bike owned by some mummy's boy from the
country on his first trip away from home.  All against the clock.

CYCLING PURSUIT
As above but the bike will be owned by a visiting member of the
Australian rugby team, who will witness the theft.

MODERN PENTATHLON
Amended to include mugging, breaking and entering, flashing, joy riding
and arson.

THE MARATHON
A safe route has yet to be decided, but the competitors will be issued
with sharp sticks and bags with which to pick up litter on their way
round the course.

SWIMMING
Competitors will be thrown off the Runcorn bridge.  The first three
survivor's back will decide the medals.

MENS 5OkM WALK
Unfortunately this will have to be cancelled, as the police cannot
guarantee the safety of anyone walking the streets of Liverpool.

THE CLOSING CEREMONY
Entertainment will include formation rave dancing by members of the
Evertonian Health in the Community anti-drug campaigners, synchronised
rock throwing and music by the Birkenhead Community Choir.
The Olympic flame will be extinguished by someone dropping an old
washing machine onto it from the top floor of the block of flats next to
the stadium.
The stadium will be then boarded up before the local athletes break into
it and remove all the copper piping and the central heating boiler.