I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology
at the poison control center. Today, this woman called in very
upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. I
quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there
would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She
calmed down, and at the end of the conversation happened to
mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in
order to kill the ants. I told her that she better bring her
daughter in to the Emergency room right away.
*********************
Seems that a year ago, some Boeing employees on the field decided
to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful
in getting it out of the plane and home. When they took it for a
float on the River, they were quite surprised by a Coast Guard
helicopter coming towards them. It turned out that the chopper
was homing in on the emergency locator that is activated when the
raft is inflated. They are no longer employed there.
*********************
I worked for a while at a Wal-Mart store, selling sporting
goods. As an employee of Wal-Mart you are sometimes required to
make storewide pages, e.g.,"I have a customer in hardware who
needs assistance at the paint counter." One night a tentative
female voice came over the intercom system with the (I kid you
not) following message: "I have a customer by the balls in toys
who needs assistance."
*********************
A police officer had a perfect hiding place for watching for
speeders. But one day, everyone was under the speed limit, the
officer found the problem: a 10 year old boy was standing on the
side of the road with a huge hand painted sign which said "RADAR
TRAP AHEAD." A little more investigative work led the officer
to the boy's accomplice, another boy about 100 yards beyond the
radar trap with a sign reading, "TIPS" and a bucket at his feet,
full of change.
*********************
A true story out of San Francisco: A man, wanting to rob a
downtown Bank of America, walked into the branch and wrote "this
iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag." While standing in
line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry
that someone had seen him write the note and might call the
police before he reached the teller window. So he left the Bank
of America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo. After waiting
a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo
teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that
he was not the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she
could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a
Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to
fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of
America. Looking somewhat defeated, the man said "OK" and left.
The Wells Fargo teller then called the police who arrested the
man a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank
of America.
*********************
A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap
that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car.
He later received in the mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his
car. Instead of payment, he sent the police department a
photograph of $40. Several days later, he received a
letter from the police that contained another picture - of
handcuffs.
*********************
Drug Possession Defendant Christopher Jansen, on trial in March
in Pontiac, Michigan, said he had been searched without a
warrant. The prosecutor said the officer didn't need a warrant
because a "bulge" in Christopher's jacket could have been a gun.
Nonsense, said Christopher, who happened to be wearing the
same jacket that day in court. He handed it over so the judge
could see it. The judge discovered a packet of cocaine in the
pocket and laughed so hard he required a five minute recess to
compose himself.
*********************
Oklahoma City: Dennis Newton was on trial for the armed robbery
of a convenience store in a district court when he fired his
lawyer. Assistant district attorney Larry Jones said Newton, 47,
was doing a fair job of defending himself until the store manager
testified that Newton was the robber. Newton jumped up, accused
the woman of lying and then said, "I should have blown your
(expletive) head off." The defendant paused, then quickly
added, "if I'd been the one that was there." The jury took 20
minutes to convict Newton and recommended a 30 year sentence.
*********************
R.C. Gaitlan, 21, walked up to two patrol officers who were
showing their squad car computer equipment to children in a
Detroit neighborhood. When he asked how the system worked, the
officer asked him for identification. Gaitlan gave them his
drivers license, they entered it into the computer, and
moments later they arrested Gaitlan because information on the
screen showed Gaitlan was wanted for a two year old armed
robbery in St. Louis, Missouri.
*********************
A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and
demanded all the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier
put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of scotch that he
wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to
put it in the bag as well, but he refused and said "Because I
don't believe you are over 21." The robber said he was, but the
clerk still refused to give it to him because he didn't believe
him. At this point the robber took his drivers license out
of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it
over, and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and he put the
scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his
loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name
and address of the robber that he got off the license. They
arrested the robber two hours later.
*********************
A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously
waving revolvers. The first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When
his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.
Government Work
A government employee sits in his office and out of boredom
decides to see what's in his old filing cabinet. He pokes through
the contents and comes across an old brass lamp. "This will look
nice on my mantelpiece," he decides and takes it home with him.
While he's polishing the lamp, a genie appears and grants him
three wishes. "I wish for a ice cold beer right now!" He gets his
beer and drinks it. Now that he can think more clearly, he states
his second wish, "I wish to be on an island where beautiful
nymphomaniacs reside." Suddenly he is on an island with gorgeous
females eyeing him lustfully. He tells the genie his third and
last wish, "I wish I'd never have to work ever again." And, POOF!
he's back in his government office again.
Remember--When you are having a bad day, and it seems like
everybody is trying to tick you off, that it takes 42 muscles to
produce a frown, but only 4 muscles to work the trigger of a good
sniper rifle.
Topic: TRUE FUNNY STORIES (Read 500 times)