Topic: Blonde Jokes Can Go Here

[Rik]

[Simon]

 

[Clive]

A Blonde goes to Heaven

 A Blonde was sent on her way to Heaven. Upon arrival, a concerned St Peter met her at the Pearly Gates.  'I'm sorry,' St Peter said; but Heaven is suffering from an overload of godly souls and we have been forced to put up an Entrance Exam for new arrivals to ease the burden of Heavenly Arrivals.'

'That's cool' said the Blonde, 'What does the Entrance Exam consist of?'

'Just three questions' said St Peter.

'Which are?' asked the Blonde.

'The first,' said St Peter, 'is, which two days of the week start with the letter 'T' '?

The second is 'How many seconds are there in a year?'

The third is 'What was the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?'

'Now,' said St Peter, 'go away and think about those questions and when I call upon you, I shall expect you to have those answers for me.'

So the Blonde went away and gave those three questions some considerable thought (I expect you to do the same).

The following morning, St Peter called upon the Blonde and asked if she had considered the questions, to which she replied, 'I have.'

'Well then,' said St Peter, 'Which two days of the week start with the letter T?'

The Blonde said, 'Today and Tomorrow.'

St Peter pondered this answer for some time, and decided that indeed the answer can be applied to the question.

'Well then, could I have your answer to the second of the three questions?' St Peter went on, 'how many seconds in a year?'

The Blonde replied, 'Twelve!'

'Only twelve?' exclaimed St Peter, 'How did you arrive at that figure?'

'Easy,' said the Blonde, 'there's the second of January, the second of February, right through to the second of December, giving a total of twelve seconds.'

St Peter looked at the Blonde and said, 'I need some time to consider your answer before I can give you a decision.' And he walked away shaking his head.

A short time later, St Peter returned to the Blonde. 'I'll allow the answer to stand, but you need to get the third and final question absolutely correct to be allowed into Heaven. Now, can you tell me the answer to the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?'

The blonde replied: 'Of the three questions, I found this the easiest to answer.'

'Really!' exclaimed St Peter, 'And what is the answer?'

'It's Andy.'

'Andy?!?'

'Yes, Andy,' said the Blonde.

This totally floored St Peter, and he paced this way and that, deliberating the answer. Finally, he could not stand the suspense any longer, and turning to the blonde, asked 'How in God's name did you arrive at THAT answer?'

'Easy' said the Blonde, 'Andy sat, Andy watched, Andy waited til his billy boiled.'
 
And the Blonde entered Heaven... 
 

... you're  singing it now, aren't you…??

[Simon]

[Rik]

 

[Clive]

I was driving down the motorway with my blonde girlfriend the other day & she piped up, “I think those people in the car next to us are from Wales”. “Why’s that?” I said. “Well, the kids are writing on the window and it says

STIT ROUY SU WOHS

 

[Rik]

 

[Simon]

 

[Clive]

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble..
   
  In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.
 
Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, 'When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home.'
 
The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it.
   
  The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less.
   
  After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.
   
  She walks into the telegraph office, and says, 'I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch.
   
  I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.'
 
The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, it will cost 99 cents a word.
   
  Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.
 
After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, 'I want you to send her the word 'comfortable.'
 
The operator shakes his head. 'How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word'comfortable?'
 
The brunette explains, 'My sister's blonde. The word is big.
   
  She'll read it very slowly... 'com-for-da-bul.'
 

[Simon]

[Rik]

 

[Simon]

"Did you see that flash?" asked the blonde to her mate.

"No," said the friend, as the blonde quickly opened the curtain.

"GAAARH!"

She screamed as she saw a face blankly staring back at her, and closed the curtain as fast as she could.

Another flash.

"Did you see that one?" asked the blonde, urgently.

"Yes, I saw that one," said her mate.

The blonde opened the curtain again.

"GAAARGH!"  The face again! 

"He's angry now!", yelled the blonde.

"I'm not surprised," said her mate. "Will you just let the man have his passport photo taken?"

[Rik]

 

[Clive]

 

[Clive]

 
 
 
 
DISNEYLAND

Two blondes were going to Disneyland. They were driving on the Interstate when they saw the sign that said Disneyland LEFT. They started crying and turned around and went home.
 
 
FLORIDA OR MOON
 
Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, 'Which do you think is farther away... Florida or the moon?' The other blonde turns and says 'Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida ??'
 
 
CAR TROUBLE

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the
mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, 'What's the story?'
He replies, 'Just crap in the carburetor'
She asks, 'How often do I have to do that?'
 
 
 
SPEEDING TICKET

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.
She replied in a huff,
'I wish you guys would get your act together.
Just yesterday you take my license away, and now today you expect me to show it to you!'
 
 
 
AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
'Impossible!' says the doctor.. 'Show me.'
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you?
'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.'
'I thought so,' the doctor said, 'Your finger is broken.'
 
 
 
KNITTING
 
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!
Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, 'PULL OVER!'
'NO!' the blonde yelled back, 'IT'S A SCARF!'
 
 
 
BLONDE ON THE SUN
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde
were talking one day.
The Russian said, 'We were the first in space!'
The American said, 'We were the first on the moon!'
The Blonde said, 'So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!'�The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads.
'You can't land on the sun, you idiot!
You'll burn up!' said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, 'We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!'
 
 
IN A VACUUM
 
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night.
It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, 'If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?' She thought for a time and then asked, 'Is it on or off?'
 
 
FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!
 
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were.
The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.
Her friend said, 'Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?'   'HELLLOOOOOOO. . . ,' answered the blonde. 'They're watch dogs'