A guy asks his neighbour in an apartment building: “Mr Trepper, you live directly above me and you have the same 2-room apartment as I do. How many rolls of wallpaper did you buy when you moved in?
“We got 18 rolls,” answers the neighbour.
Two months later the guy meets his neighbor again and says, “It’s really funny – I put the wallpaper on everywhere and I still had 10 rolls left over.”
Neighbour smiles, “Yeah, so did we.“
My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot. It got so bad, finally I had to take his bike away.
A farmer asked me the other day if I'd help him round up 18 sheep. Sure I said, 20
Last night I dreamt I'd written Lord of the Rings. My friend said I'd been Tolkien in my sleep.
I used to work as a ride attendant on waltzers and I was sacked for spinning people around too fast. I sued my employers for funfair dismissal.
My husband keeps getting mad at me because of the fact that I have no sense of direction. Enough was enough, so I just packed up my stuff and right.
A woman I know was on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection. The judge asked her, "First offender?" She replied, "No, first a Gibson and THEN a Fender.”
A warning to whomever stole my copy of Microsoft Office: I WILL track you down and I will make you very sorry for what you did. You have my Word.
I have a very irritating friend who is constantly telling me to cheer up. "Come on, things could be so much worse," he always says - "After all, you could be trapped deep underground in a hole filled with water." I know he means well.
I've been looking for a new hobby and so I recently decided to take up fencing. Unfortunately, the neighbours have told me they're going to call the police unless I put it straight back.
A gangster gave his girlfriend a mink stole for her birthday. "Wow, is it really mink?" she asked. He replied "Well, it's definitely stole...."
I was asked yesterday if I could clear the table after we'd finished dinner. I had to take a very long run-up, but I made it!
Apparently, there's one nightmare neighbour on every street who everybody else really can't stand - but I like ALL of my neighbours, so they must have got that one wrong....
I asked Elton John if he could name all the counties of England. He got them all bar one. Surrey seems to be the hardest word.
Boy George has opened a zoo. There’s only 6 animals there…Llama, Llama, Llama, Llama, Llama, Chameleon.
The shoplifter who is stealing t-shirts in order of size is still at large.
New zookeeper accidentally kills some birds, so he throws them into the lion cage. Next he runs over a couple of chimps in his van so he throws them into the lion cage. Then he drops a bee hive so he throws that into the lion cage as well. New lion arrives and asks what the food's like. Another lion says 'So so normally, but today we had finch, chimps and mushy bees.'
How does Good King Wenceslas like his pizza?
Deep pan, crisp and even.
Two cows in a field. Which one's on holiday?
The one with the wee calf
