Topic: Groaner thread

[Simon]

Three men are sitting in a room smoking cannabis. After a few spliffs they run out of gear. One of the men stands up and says

'Look, we've got loads more tobacco, I'll just nip into the kitchen and make one of my speciality spliffs.'

Off he goes into the kitchen where he takes some Cumin, Turmeric and a couple of other spices from the spice rack, grinds them up and rolls them into a spliff.

On his return he hands it to one of his smoking partners who lights it and takes a long drag. Within seconds he passes out. Ten minutes go by and he is still out cold, so the others decide to take him to hospital.

On arrival the nurses immediately take him to intensive care. A doctor returns to the friends and asks

'So what have you been doing then? Smoking cannabis?'

'Well sort of', replies one of the guys, 'But we ran out of gear, so I made a home-made spliff.'

'Ahh' replies the doctor, 'And what did you put in it?'

'Oh, just a bit of cumin, some turmeric and a couple of other spices.'

The doctor sighs. 'Well that explains it.'

'Why, what's wrong with our friend?' asks one of the men.

'He's in a korma' replies the doctor.

[Camstop]

Did you hear that the Iraqi Minister of Information commited suicide this morning?





 He'll be announcing it in 5 minutes.  

[Clive]

I got this one out of Dr Serenity's remedy book.


Q. How do you cure constipation?
A. Sit on a block of cheese and swallow a mouse.

[Camstop]

Two snowmen sat next to each other in garden at winter, one turns to the other and says, can u smell carrots.
                   

[Camstop]

British troops out in Iraq run out of food supplies, they walk around in the dunes for days, when one of them shouts "Look!...It's a bacon tree!
Sure enough they all look over the dune to see what appears to be a bacon tree.
Being cautious, they first sent 2 soldiers to go over and check it out and when they reach the tree, they suddenly drop down dead.
Another 2 troops walk over and they also drop dead upon approaching the tree....
The squadron leader calls out to the rest of the troops "Keep away from it lads, it's not a bacon tree it's an ambush" ((hambush))  

[Camstop]

Paddy and Murphy are at a skiing resort. they get to the top of a slope ready to ski down it, and Murphy says to Paddy "Before i start, should i zig zag down the hill, or zag zig ?"
Paddy replies "I've never done this before so i don't know".
So the pair see another bloke at the top of the slope, they go over to him and Paddy asks, "Excuse me mate, Is it zig zag, or zag zig down the hill?"
The bloke says to them, "Sorry lads, i dunno...I'm a tabogganist".
Murphy says, "Oh, that's good, can i have 20 B&H and a box of matches then please?".  8)

[Clive]

Sorry Camstop but I think I win today's prize.  


A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.


With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.


The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.


Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

[Camstop]

Well i aint giving up that easy...

Why do the French people smell of onions?
So that blind people can hate them too.

How do you know there is an elephant in your fridge ?
footprints in the butter !

What is black & white & eats like a horse ?
A zebra !

 

[Clive]

Touche.   I give in.      

[Simon]

You ain't seen nuffin yet!!

What do you call a mushroom that runs into a bar and buys a round of drinks for everyone?

I guess that would be a Fun Guy.




It has just been reported that miniature fighter planes piloted by specially trained circus midgets, have flown several shorties against Iraq today.




Just as a surgeon was finishing up an operation the patient wakes up, sits up and demands to know what is going on. "I'm about to close," the surgeon says. The patient grabs his hand and says, "Oh, no you're not! I'll close my own incision."

The doctor hands him the needle and says, "Suture self."




A man goes to his mate's fancy dress party with nothing but a naked girl on his back. "So what on earth are you supposed to be?" the host asks. "I'm a snail." The man replies. "What a load of rubbish!" spits his host. "How can you be a snail when all you've got is that naked girl on your back?" "That's not any naked girl, mate," the bloke replies, "that's Michelle."




Riding the favourite at Cheltenham, a jockey was well ahead of the field. Suddenly he was hit on the head by a turkey and a string of sausages.

He managed to keep control of his mount and pulled back into the lead, only to be struck by a box of Christmas crackers and a dozen mince pies as he went over the last fence.

With great skill he managed to steer the horse to the front of the field once more when,on the run in, he was struck on the head by a bottle of sherry and a Christmas pudding.

Thus distracted, he succeeded in coming only second. He immediately went to the stewards to complain that he had been seriously hampered.

[Clive]

Friday 25th of April 2003 will henceforth be known as "Black Friday" after all these dreadful jokes.   :heehee:

[Rodders]

Q.  What's the difference between a Vitamin and a Hormone?

A.  You can't hear a Vitamin.

[TR]

This one is for anyone who either

a) has kids
b) had kids who have now grown
c) was a kid
d) knows a kid!

Daddy's Gonna Eat Your Fingers

As I was trying to pack for Holiday, my 3-year-old
daughter was having a wonderful
time playing on the bed. At one point, she said, "Dad,
look at this," and stuck out two
of her fingers. Trying to keep her entertained, I reached
out and stuck her fingers in my
mouth and said, "Daddy's gonna eat your fingers!"
pretending to eat them before I
rushed out of the room again.

When I returned, my daughter was standing on the bed
staring at her finger with a
devastated look on her face. I said, "What's wrong
honey?"

She replied, "What happened to my booger?"
       

[Clive]

[TR]

Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love get married.
The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant.