Topic: Groaner thread

[Michelle]

The American Medical Association researchers have made
a remarkable discovery. It seems that some patients
needing blood transfusions may benefit from receiving chicken
blood rather than human blood.
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It tends to make the men cocky and the women lay better.
 
Just thought you'd like to know.

[Clive]

:heehee:  Nice one Michelle.  

[Michelle]

A friend told me this touching story, please read it all.  

This should once again confirm that the most important information in your life won't come from a teacher, the library or the Internet, but from a mentor, and on a very personal level.

My long-passed grandfather's birthday is coming up, and for me it is a time to reminisce. The long walks we used to take. The long drives. The
special trips he would make to pick me up so I could spend weekends with him, and the advice he used to give! Much was wasted because I was young when he died

If he were alive today and sharing his gems of wisdom, I'd be a better man. Those gems were well and good, but the one I remember most, the jewel in the crown of grand fatherly advice, came when he paused, looked me in the eye and said ....
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"Don't marry a woman with big hands. It makes our pecker look smaller"

..... Brings a tear to your eye doesn't it?

[Clive]

Lorena Bobbitt's sister, Luella, was arrested yesterday for an alleged attempt to perform the same act on her husband as her famous sister had done to John several years ago.  

Sources reveal the sister was not as accurate as Lorena.

She allegedly missed the intended target and stabbed her husband in the upper thigh, causing severe muscle and tendon damage.

The husband is reported to be in serious but stable condition following surgery.  

Louella has officially been charged with a misdeweiner.

[Simon]

Getting deparate now, Clive!  

[Michelle]

  How can I be laffing at that!!  

[Clive]

Raising Rabbits

Many years ago, a young cook decided that the French would enjoy feasting on rabbits.  He decided to raise rabbits in Paris and sell them to the finer restaurants in the city.

He searched all over Paris seeking a suitable place to raise his rabbits but none could be found.  Finally, an old priest at the cathedral said he could have a small area behind the rectory for his new enterprise.

He successfully raised a number of them, and when he went about Paris selling them, a restaurant owner asked him where he got such fresh rabbits.

The young man replied, "I raise them myself, near the cathedral. In fact, I have a hutch back of Notre Dame."

[Simon]

[Michelle]

The other day I phoned my local pizza delivery firm and asked for a thin and crusty supreme.





They sent me Diana Ross.


> >

[Michelle]

There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten
different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win.
Unfortunately,







no pun in ten did.

[Clive]

A man walks into a dentist's surgery and says, "Excuse me, can you help me. I think I'm a moth."

"You don't need a dentist. You need a psychiatrist."

"Yes, I know."

"So, why did you come in here?"

"The light was on."

[Camstop]

Sophie Ellis Bextor arrested.....


 
Apparently she was charged with a crime of homicide at the home of a French football star. A body was was found slumped on the carpet.

A Police spokesman would only say "We believe it's Murder on Zidane's floor"

Sorry  
 

[Clive]

Tony Blair is visiting an Edinburgh hospital. He enters a ward full of patients with no obvious sign of injury or illness and greets one. The patient replies:

     "Fair fa your honest sonsie face,
      Great chieftain o' the puddin race,
      Aboon them a you take your place,
      Painch, tripe or thairm,
      As langs my airm."

Blair is confused, so he just grins and moves on to the next patient. The patient responds:

      "Some hae meat and canna eat,
       And some wad eat that want it,
       But we hae meat and we can eat,
       So let the Lord be thankit."

Even more confused, and his grin now rictus-like, the PM moves on to the next patient, who immediately begins to chant:

     "Wee sleekit, cowerin, timrous beasty,
      Thou needna start awa sae hastie,
      Wi bickering brattle."  

Now seriously troubled, Blair turns to the accompanying doctor and asks  "What kind of facility is this? A mental ward?"

"No," replies the doctor. "This is the serious Burns unit."

[Camstop]

My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. He was pulled in by a strong
currant.

 

[Simon]