Topic: Groaner thread

[Corky]

A young man in a wheelchair rolls on to the stage and Matthew Kelly introduces him as Simon.
 
MK: "It's very brave of you coming out here in your wheelchair - can you tell the audience what happened?"
 
Simon: "About a year ago I was driving, with my uncle, when we had a really bad accident. Unfortunately my uncle was killed outright, but I survived, trapped in the car for 6 hours and had to be cut free. The doctors had me in surgery for 12 hours, they did all they could, but they couldn't save my legs."
 
MK: "That's terrible Simon, but I see you have legs now. Are they artificial?"
 
Simon: "No, Matthew, whilst in hospital, the doctors advised me that the uncle who had been in the car with me had passed away, but that his legs were fine. With all the advances in medical science, they could graft his
legs onto my body. I have been having physiotherapy for 6 months, and I hope to be walking again by the end of the year."
 
** MUCH AUDIENCE APPLAUSE **
 
MK: "That's fantastic. So Simon, who are you going to be?"
 
 
Simon: "Tonight Matthew I'm going to be..."Simon and half uncle"  

[Clive]

Oh gawd!!  That certainly qualifies!      

[Clive]

AT THE MEXICAN RESTAURANT

Sid and Al were sitting in a Mexican restaurant.

"Sid," asked Al, "are there any Jews in Mexico?"  

"I don't know," Sid replied, "why don't we ask the
waiter?"

When the waiter came by, Al asked him, "Are there any
Mexican Jews?"

"I don't know sir, let me ask," the waiter replied, and
he went into the kitchen.  

He returned in a few minutes and said, "No, sir. No
Mexican Jews."

"Are you sure?" Al asked.

"I will check again, sir," the waiter replied and went
back to the kitchen.

While he was still gone, Sid said, "I cannot believe
there are no Jews in Mexico. Our people are scattered
everywhere."

When the waiter returned he said, "Sir, no Mexican Jews."

"Are you really sure?" Al asked again. "I just can't
believe there are no Mexican Jews."

"Sir, I ask everyone," the waiter replied, exasperated.
"We have orange Jews, prune Jews, tomato Jews, and grape
Jews, but no one ever hear of Mexican Jews!"

[bat69]

There was this American tourist in Mexico, and he was getting tired of walking around, so he went up to a donkey rental place and said, ''Can I rent a donkey?'

The guy said, "We don't call them donkeys here, we call them asses. This is the only ass I have left, and you have to scratch him when you want to make him stop."

The guy rides his ass for a while, sees a hotdog stand, and asks for a hotdog. The vendor replies, "We don't call them hotdogs here we call the wieners."

Meanwhile his donkey is wandering away, so he goes up to another tourist and says "Will you hold my wiener whille I scratch my ass?"

[Rodders]

I laughed my mule off!  

[bat69]

Why don't oysters give to charity?
Because they're shellfish.

What can you do in radiation-contaminated rivers?
Nuclear fission.

Why did the jazz musician like the wooden board?
Because it had a nice groove in it!

How can you tell if a redneck is married?
There is tobacco spit stains on BOTH sides of his pickup truck.

[Simon]

A policeman is driving along the road when he gets an urgent message on his radio telling him there has been a dead body found in an ice cream van just down the road. He rushes to the scene where he discovers a man's body, with chocolate flakes up each nostril, raspberry sauce all over his head, and he is covered from head to toe in hundreds and thousands.

A puzzled onlooker asks the policeman what he thinks has happened, to which the policeman replies: "It looks like he's topped himself."

[Clive]

A guy walks into a bar and notices two pieces of sirloin
hanging from the ceiling.

He asks the barman about it and the barman replies, "It's
a competition. If you can jump high enough to get the
meat down you get dinner on the house. But if you miss
you have to buy a round for the whole bar."

The guy thinks about it and says, "No, I don't think
so... the steaks are too high!'

[Clive]

Three visitors to London climb up the tower that houses Big Ben and decide to have a contest. They're going to throw their watches off the top, run down the stairs and try to catch the watches before they hit the ground.

The first tourist throws his watch, takes three steps and hears his watch crash. The second throws his watch and takes only two steps when he hears his watch shatter.

The third tosses his watch off the tower, jogs down the stairs, goes to a candy store, buys a snack, walks back to Big Ben and catches his watch. "How did you do that?"
asks one of his friends.

"My watch is 30 minutes slow."

[Barra]

It was Christmas and the judge was in a merry mood as he asked
the prisoner,"What are you charged with?"

"Doing my Christmas shopping early", replied the defendant.

"That's not an offense", said the judge. "How early were you
doing this shopping?"

"Before the store opened", countered the prisoner.

[Serenity]

Q:
If a bra is an Upper Topper Flopper Stopper,
   & a jock strap is a Lower Decker Pecker Checker,
   & a roll of toilet tissue is a Super Duper Pooper    
   Scooper,
   what do you call a Japanese drummer boy whose father
   has diarrhea?

A:
A Slap Happy Jappy, with a Crap Happy Pappy!    

[Clive]

That's bad Serenity.  Very bad.      

[Clive]

My uncle John was in the fertilized egg business when I was young. He had several hundred young layers, called pullets, and 8 roosters, whose job was to fertilize the eggs.

My uncle kept records, and any rooster or pullet that didn't perform well went into the pot and was replaced.

Now this took an awful lot of time. So my uncle got a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.  Now he could sit and fill out an efficiency report by listening to the sound of the bells.

My uncle's favorite rooster was old Brewster. A very fine specimen he was, but his bell had not rung all morning.

Uncle John went to investigate. Several roosters were chasing pullets, bells a-ringing.

Brewster had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring.  He'd sneak up to a pullet, do his job and, walk on to the next one.

Uncle John was so proud that he entered him in the county fair. Brewster was an overnight sensation. The judges not only awarded Brewster the No Bell Prize but the Pullet Surprise as well!

[Serenity]

A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and they take turns to tell their adventures on the seas.

The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg leg, hook, and an eye patch. Curious, the seaman asks "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?"

The pirate replies "I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off".

"Wow!" said the seaman. "What about the hook"?

"Well...", replied the pirate, "We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand clean off."

"Incredible!" remarked the seaman. "How did you get the eye patch"?

"A seagull dropping fell into my eye", replied the pirate.

"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?" the sailor asked.
"
Well..." said the pirate, "That was my first day with the hook."  

 

[Clive]

As a young boy, Joe was completely obsessed with
tractors. He had pictures of tractors all over his bedroom walls; he had tractor toys, tractor T-shirts, a tractor carpet, and duvet cover, the whole works. He ate, drank and slept tractors.

On his 17th birthday he was thrilled to get an invitation to go to a tractor factory nearby and test-drive a brand new tractor. His excitement was incredible as he told his family and friends.

The great day came and he went to the factory for the test-drive. Unfortunately something went terribly wrong with the tractor when Joe was driving it and it flipped over, trapping and breaking Joe's leg and fracturing his skull.

He was very upset and tried to sue the tractor company for negligence. But the company would have none of it and told him there was no liability and he could get lost!

You can imagine he was quite disillusioned with tractors after this and vowed to shed them from his life completely and forever. All the posters came down, the toys were given away -- tractors were GONE.

Many years later, Joe went into a bar for a drink.  Inside, the cigarette and cigar smoke was terrible but through it he saw a beautiful girl seated at the bar on her own. Tears were streaming down her face.

Joe asked her what was wrong and she said that the smoke was making her eyes sting and stream with tears. Joe looked around and then took a huge breath, sucking in all the smoke. He then walked outside into the car park and blew all the smoke out again.

He went back into the bar where the air was now clear and sweet and sits down next to the girl.

"That was amazing!" she said, "How did you do that?"

"No problem," said Joe, "I'm an ex-tractor fan."