Topic: Groaner thread

[Clive]

A policeman spots a huge black guy dancing on the roof of a Ford car.

 

He radios for backup.

 

"What's the situation?"

 

"A big fat black fellah is dancing on a car roof."

 

"You can't say that over the radio" replies the operator, "You have to

 use the politically correct terminology"

 

"OK" he says

"Zulu...Tango....Sierra"

[Simon]

 

[Clive]

A man was walking home alone late one foggy night,

When behind him he hears:



BUMP...




BUMP...




BUMP...





Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright coffin banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.




BUMP...





BUMP...





BUMP...






Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the coffin bouncing quickly behind him





FASTER...





FASTER...






BUMP...







BUMP...






BUMP...





He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him.








However, the coffin crashes through his door, with the lid of the coffin clapping










Clappity-BUMP...






Clappity-BUMP...






Clappity-BUMP...





On his heels, the terrified man runs.





Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.



With a loud CRASH the coffin breaks down the door.









Bumping and clapping toward him.





The man screams and reaches for something, anything,
But all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup!









Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket...
















And,









































The coffin stops!
 

   
 
 
   
 

 
 
 
 

 
 

 
 
 
 
 
   
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

 

 
 
 


 




=
 

[Simon]

[Clive]

 

[Clive]

A guy goes into a seafood restaurant and asks to see the dishes of the day. The waiter wheels over a trolley and the man examines the dishes.


"I'll have the little green squid with the hairy lip, please" says the man. "O.K." replies the waiter and calls out "Gervais!"


A little French chef appears with a large knife, the waiter instructs the chef to kill the little green squid with the hairy lip.


Gervais is just about to slice at the poor squid when he notices a tear running down its face. Gervais is touched, and admits that he hasn't the heart to kill the squid.


"Not to worry" says the waiter, and calls out "Hans!!" at which an enormous German bloke comes out of the kitchen.


"Sir", says the waiter, "this is Hans, the dishwasher. Hans, kill that squid!"


The dishwasher wields a huge rolling pin and is just about to bludgeon the little green squid with the hairy lip when it cringes back and gives a little cry.


"I am sorry sir, I just cannot kill the squid" Hans admits, his lower lip trembling.


"Well sir," says the waiter, "it just goes to show. That Hans that do dishes, can be soft as Gervais. With mild green, hairy lip squid!"

[Rik]

 

[Simon]

 

[Clive]

 

[Clive]

I went to my friend's house recently and noticed that his Christmas tree was bare except for a shotgun shell near the top.

 

I asked, "What's the deal, no decorations?"

 

Puzzled, he looked at me and said, "What do you mean? It's a cartridge in a bare tree."

 

[Rik]

[Clive]

My work here is done.   

[Rik]

 

[Clive]

Due to a water shortage in Ireland, Dublin swimming baths have announced they are closing lanes 7 and 8.

[Simon]