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Author Topic: Groaner thread  (Read 190444 times)

Offline Clive

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Re: Groaner thread
« Reply #720 on: March 28, 2011, 08:49 »
 :haha:

Offline Rik

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Re: Groaner thread
« Reply #721 on: March 28, 2011, 11:48 »
I second that.  ;D
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Rik

Offline Rodders

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Re: Groaner thread
« Reply #722 on: March 29, 2011, 23:58 »
My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaning lady and it took her two days to hoover the house.  Turns out she was a Slovak.

Offline Simon

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Re: Groaner thread
« Reply #723 on: March 30, 2011, 00:33 »
:groan: :pmsl:
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Offline Clive

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Re: Groaner thread
« Reply #724 on: March 30, 2011, 09:07 »
 :pmsl:

Offline Rik

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Re: Groaner thread
« Reply #725 on: March 30, 2011, 09:13 »
 :laugh:
Slainthe!

Rik

Offline GillE

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Re: Groaner thread
« Reply #726 on: March 30, 2011, 10:34 »
 :aarrgh:
There is no opinion, however absurd, which men will not readily embrace as soon as they can be brought to the conviction that it is readily adopted.

(Schopenhauer, Die Kunst Recht zu Behalten)

Offline GillE

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Re: Groaner thread
« Reply #727 on: April 05, 2011, 14:14 »
Which breed of dog can you train most easily to fetch you a glass of wine?

A Bordeaux Collie.
There is no opinion, however absurd, which men will not readily embrace as soon as they can be brought to the conviction that it is readily adopted.

(Schopenhauer, Die Kunst Recht zu Behalten)

Offline Clive

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Re: Groaner thread
« Reply #728 on: April 05, 2011, 14:16 »
 :aarrgh:

Offline Rik

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Re: Groaner thread
« Reply #729 on: April 05, 2011, 16:36 »
I'll see your  :aarrgh: and raise you an  :aarrgh:
Slainthe!

Rik

Offline Simon

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Re: Groaner thread
« Reply #730 on: April 05, 2011, 21:31 »
 :arf:
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Offline Clive

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Re: Groaner thread
« Reply #731 on: June 27, 2011, 10:38 »
An Irishman goes to the Doctor with botty problems....


'Dactor, it's me ahrse.I'd like ya ta teyk a look, if ya woot'.

So the doctor gets him to drop his pants and takes a look.

'Incredible', he says, 'there is a £20 note lodged up here.'

Tentatively he eases the twenty out of the man's bottom, and then a £10 note appears.



'This is amazing!' exclaims the Doctor. ''What do you want me to do?'

'Well fur gadness sake teyk it out, man!' shrieks the patient.

The doctor pulls out the tenner and another twenty appears, and another and another and another, etc.....

Finally the last bill comes out and no more appear.

'Ah Dactor, tank ya koindly, dat's moch batter. Just out of interest, how moch was in dare den?'

The Doctor counts the pile of cash and says '£1,990 exactly.'
'Ah, dat'd be roit,'' says the Irishman


(Wait for it.............scroll down.)


'I knew I wasn't feeling two grand.'

Offline Simon

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Re: Groaner thread
« Reply #732 on: June 27, 2011, 11:54 »
:aarrgh: :out: :pmsl:
« Last Edit: June 27, 2011, 22:02 by Simon »
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Offline Clive

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Re: Groaner thread
« Reply #733 on: June 27, 2011, 21:34 »
 :smirks:

Offline Clive

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Re: Groaner thread
« Reply #734 on: July 03, 2011, 12:34 »
Tired of constantly being broke & stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary, and then arranging to have her killed.

A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie.'

Artie then explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was £5,000.

The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money.

 

Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single pound note that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, & reluctantly agreed to accept the pound as down payment for the dirty deed.

 

A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Tesco store. There, he surprised her in the produce department & proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands & as the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath & slumped to the floor........

 

The manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, ol' Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.

 

However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the hidden security cameras & observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught & arrested before he could even leave the store.

 

Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested.

 

The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared ....

>
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> You're going to hate me for this...
> >
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> >

'ARTIE CHOKES 2 for £1.00 AT TESCO '


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