Topic: Groaner thread

[Rodders]

A bloke goes into a Scottish baker's and says, "How much is that cake?"  "A poond." "And how much is that one?"  "A poond; All ma cakes are a poond."  "Oh, okay. What about that one?"  "Ach, that one's two poonds."  "Oh, why's that then?"  "That's Madeira cake."

[Simon]

[Clive]

 

[Rodders]

A policeman stopped me as I walked out of Curry's today.  He said, "Before I perform a search, do you have anything sharp in your pockets?"  I said, "No mate, just Sony and Panasonic."

[Simon]

 

[Clive]

 

[Simon]

A guy visits Amsterdam and whilst there meets and fall in love with a young lady. He moves in with her and gets a job, which means he is out all day and the girlfriend is lonely. She asks if he will buy her a pet.

"Sure" he says, "What sort of pet do you want?"

"I want something typical of Holland" she replies.

Next day he goes into town and finds a pet shop. "I want a pet for my girlfriend - typical of Holland"

The shopkeeper scratches his head and says " mmmmm - can't think what - but I have some lovely French Poodle pups"

"No thanks" says the man, and leaves.

At the next pet shop he asks the same question. The shop owner is just as puzzled and says "Can't think what to suggest - but I have some wonderful German Shepherd dog pups"

"No, thanks" says our man, and leaves somewhat down-hearted.

At the next shop, he asks the same question, and again, the shopkeeper is perplexed. "Something typical of Holland??? No, I can't think of anything - but how
about these lovely Brazilian parakeets?"

"No, thanks" says our man, and leaves even more worried than before.

At the last petshop in Amsterdam, he goes in, asks the same question, and gets a similar answer. "I have some beautiful Irish Setter puppies"

"No, thanks" says the man, and leaves the shop. He turns to look in the window as he leaves, and sees a gorgeous cat sunning itself in the corner.

He dashes back and asks the shopkeeper... 


























































"Excuse me... How Dutch is that moggie in the window...?

[Clive]

 

[Den]

Steven Spielberg was discussing his new project - an action docudrama about famous composers starring top movie stars. Sylvester Stallone, Steven Segall, Bruce Willis, and Arnold Schwarzenegger were all present. Spielberg strongly desired the box office 'oomph' of these superstars, so he was prepared to allow them to select whatever composers they wished to  portray, as long as they were famous.
"Well," started Stallone, "I've always admired Mozart. I would love to play him."
"Chopin has always been my favorite, and my image would improve if people saw me playing the piano," replied Willis. "I'll play him."
"I've always been partial to Strauss and his waltzes," said Segall. "I'd like to play him."
Spielberg was very pleased with these choices. "Sounds splendid." Then, turning to Schwarzenegger, he asked, "Who do you want to be, Arnold?"  Arnold in a slow deliberate voice replied, "I'll be Bach."

[Simon]

[Den]

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles up to the bar and announces:


"I'm looking for the man who shot my paw." 

[Clive]

 

[Clive]

How do you circumcise a whale?

Send down four skin divers. 

[Simon]

[Clive]

What did the snowman say to the policeman ?

"I think I can smell carrots."