Why are asteroids called asteroids and hemorrhoids called hemorrhoids? Shouldn`t it be the other way around?
"I called information. I said, 'I can't find my socks.' She said, 'They're behind the couch.'
They were."
I went to a convenience store by my house but the guy was locking up. I said "wait...aren't you open 24 hours?" The guy looked at me incredulously and said "not in a ROW!"
I'm in love with the woman who cleans my teeth, but I don't get to spend much time with her. So before an appointment I eat a whole package of Oreos.
"If you break both of your legs, can you still go to a walk-in clinic"?
"I came home one day and found everything in my apartment had been stolen.... and replaced with an exact replica."
"How can you tell when you run out of invisible ink?"
I saw Steven Wright about 20 years ago - - right about the height of his popularity. He was hilarious when he was fresh.
I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.
I have an existential map. It has "You are here" written all over it.
If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer?
I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.
I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the perscription ran out.
My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.
I used to be an airline pilot. I got fired because I kept locking the keys in the plane. They caught me on an 80 foot stepladder with a coathanger.
It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it...
I went to a general store, but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.
I was pulled over for speeding today. The officer said, "Don't you know the speed limit is 55 miles an hour?" I replied, "Yes, but I wasn't going to be out that long.
I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach ... it ticks me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say "What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!"
I was walking down the street and all of a sudden the prescription for my eye-glasses ran out ....
"If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses."
"Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?"
"Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time."
I spilled spot remover on my dog and now he's gone.
There's a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices... in the back you can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air...
"I have a map of the united states .... it's original size ... it says one mile equals one mile."
Why do you park in a driveway, but drive on a parkway?
I bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house.
I put a new engine in my car, but didn't take the old one out. Now my car goes 500 miles an hour.
I installed a skylight in my apartment.... The people who live above me are furious!
Is it true cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.
I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, 'Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours.' He said, 'Yes, but not in a row.'
I'd like to sing you a song now about my old girlfriend. It's called, 'They'll Find Her When the Leaves Blow Away 'Cause I'm Not Raking 'Til Spring.'
Smoking cures weight problems... eventually.
I'm a bit of a phsycic, you know. I can see the future, but only way out to the sides.
I'm a peripheral visionary.
I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.
Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach ... it ticks me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say "What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!"
Some friends and I played poker with a deck of Tarot cards. I got a full house and three people died.
I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.
Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking", but I don't have that much time.
There's a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices. In the back you can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air.
I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.
For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
I installed a skylight in my apartment... The people who live above me are furious!
My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I'll throw it at them.
I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.
I have an answering machine in my car. It says, "I'm home now, but leave a message and I'll call when I'm out."
I saw a sign: "Rest Area 25 Miles". That's pretty big.
One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, "Didn';t you see the stop sign?"
I said, "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read."
I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it's going to be up all night.
When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, "Did you sleep good?" I said, "No, I made a few mistakes."
There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot.
I bought a dog the other day...I named him Stay. It's fun to call him... "Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!" He went insane.
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